Tales of the City

Is it harder to sustain a relationship when you're living in a big city? Johanna Hegerty investigates (Sunday Herald Sun, June 8, 2008)

It was a drought-stricken farmer in Harden-Murrumburrah, NSW, who got me thinking. "Wouldn't give it up for the world," he said, gesturing towards his dusty farm. "I get to see the missus all the time, watch the kids grow up. You city folk0 always getting divorced and giving up on each other. Nope, wouldn't give it up for the world."

Back in the big smoke, I looked around at my group of friends. It was a sorry tale: this couple divorced, these two hanging in there but leading such separate lives they barely knew each other. One friend has been ordering coffee from the same barista for six years, yet all his relationships fall apart after two. I wondered: does urban living undermine out chances for successful relationships?

"There's a different emotional groove and a faster pace of life with city living," says Dr Matthew Bambling from the Queensland University of Technology School of Psychology and Counselling. "This forces people to over function and focus on themselves. It encourages us to be more materialistic and to chase success, and this can put some real pressure on our relationships."

When you consider the daily commute, ever-increasing workloads, long days, busy social calendars and the throw-away attitude of consumerism that's prevalent in big cities, it's no wonder our relationships struggle to keep up. "Perhaps we'll continue to see the development of the new relationship model we now have where people give it a go and if it works out, great; if not, they move on to someone new," says Dr Bambling.

For all the advantages of city living, people are expected to be successful and work long hours. We're not rewarded for focussing on each other and on our families, but for chasing success and money. When was the last time you heard someone at work say, "I'm going home early today because I haven't seen my partner for a couple of days"?

Time for Love
All research points to time as one of the key issues in the deterioration of a relationship. If you're not spending enough quality time together you are less likely to have a functioning relationship," says Anne Hollonds from Relationship Australia.

Timetable, deadlines and overtime are all part of a city worker's daily vocabulary and this impacts on the time couple have together. "A busy life can suck the energy out of a relationship," says Dr Bambling. "People simply need time to be able to do the stuff that keeps their relationship alive."

And when time is pressed, its evil cousin, stress, is never far behind. "If people are stressed and busy, they can never enjoy being with another person because they're overwhelmed and just don't have the energy to connect with their partner," says Dr Bambling.

Parallel Lives
Gemma Darlington is more than familiar with the effect of city living on her relationship. Her partner, an analyst, often worked nights while she worked days, and their waking hours were spent discussing bills, chores and social functions. The Sydney PR executive worried that she and her partner had lost that loving feeling- and then she discovered he had a whole other life involving friends she had never met, poker games and an online girlfriend.

While Darlington says it would have been easier to let the relationship go then try to make it work, she felt their situation- working around the clock to pay off a mortgage and get ahead in their careers- was partially to blame, and she and her now husband decided to work to save their relationship.

"The city is so negative," says Darlington. "It eats people up. We had let everything else take over and had lost that emotional connections." Two years later, the couple is living happily in a small coastal town in northern NSW.

"In the city it's much easier to keep secrets," says Dr Bambling. "And while we're entitled to have part of our lives which is ours, we need to be transparent about things that impact on our primary other. If you have a secret online friendship that meets your emotional needs better than your primary relationship, you need to see this as a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble."

Forming Attachments
Just as there are greater choices for work, education, shopping and entertainment in the city, there's also more opportunity to meet people. This, in a way, explains the revolving-door relationship model of city living. "There are many people out there we're compatible with; some of us just happen to have chosen a person to stick with. If it doesn't work out, we're likely to meet someone else with whom we could form a meaningful relationship." says Dr Bambling.

Humans are social beings, and if you are spending more time with a colleague than your partner, it is easy to form an attachment. "Any social relationship, whether it be at work, in a purely innocent way or someone else who takes our interest, begins to take energy out of the primary relationship and, as a result, the primary relationship will suffer," says Dr Bambling. "In addition to this, the pressures of busy life can cause people to feel they are losing touch with each other and they might look forward to seeing their colleagues more than their partner."

And so beings a vicious circle where the more you get out of the second relationship, the less energy you expand on your partner, who then becomes more distant.

Damage Controle
By no means is it impossible to have a successful relationship in the city, but Hollonds says you must first sit down together review your goals for the partnership. Do you want to make a million dollars? If so, you need to talk about it in terns of human cost. "You need to recognise the costs and the risks and agree on them as a couple," she says. "Many people get caught in the trap of thinking, 'In five years once we've achieved X, we'll have time for each other". But when you get to that point five years later, there may be no-one home for you to send time with unless you act now."

The other key to keeping a long- term relationship alive is working on it every day. "Find at least one point in the day to focus on your partner, even if it's just to say something nice or acknowledge them in the busyness of life. Send a text or make a quick phone call to keep the connection during the long intervals of time apart. This can be the glue that keeps people with each other all week," says Dr Bambling.

It's also important to build time into your week to spend quality time together, with no interruptions, be it a regualar dinner date, scheduled night in or Saturday morning walk and breakfast.

Communication is one of the key skills in an ongoing relationship and this becomes more critical in big cities where stress is a daily occurrence. "With so little time for each other, those living in the city may be making the choice not to sweat the conflict stuff because they don't want to ruin the 10 minutes they get each night with their partner," says Dr Bambling. This can create a build-up of resentment or frustration, which can cause the relationship to deteriorate.

Hollonds recommends coaching, even for couples who aren't showing any signs of strain. "The environment we live in today is quite hostile to long-term relationships and coaching is one way to build up the partnership," she says. "We need to have the tools to negotiate quickly and effectively with one another."

Why travellers don't have careers

June 18- The Age- by Ben Groundwater

Okay, here's the deal: clear out your desk. Now. Grab your coffee mug, the pictures of your family, and any stationery you think you can get away with stealing, and get out of the office.

You're going travelling. A whole year overseas. Wherever you want.

Oh, and when you get back, your job will still be there waiting for you. In fact, you'll have been promoted; maybe even given a little pay rise.

Sounds pretty sweet, huh? And I doubt there are any readers of this blog who wouldn't jump at that, given the opportunity.

Trouble is, that's not the way the world works...

As all of us know, when you choose to travel, you make sacrifices. Sometimes that's time spent with family or friends, sometimes it's leaving partners behind ... but it's usually your career that suffers most.

If you want to go away for any decent amount of time - to really get into that carefee travelling mode - you're going to have to quit your job. (Or, at best, get a year's leave without pay. Even then, you'll find the world has moved on by the time you get home.)

And leaving your career for, say, a year, is certainly going to have some sort of effect. For starters, you'll be 12 months further back in your progression, meaning that that promotion is a year further away; that car you wanted is 12 months further away; that house deposit you've been saving up for is 12 months further away.

That's best-case scenario. There's also every chance someone will have taken over your position and will be doing an annoyingly good job. Or that not having you around will have made everyone at work realise they don't actually need you around anyway.

Or, if you're in an industry like IT, or law, you'll find a lot's changed in the 12 months you've been away, and you'll be playing catch-up, or going back to a lower position than the one you quit to go tootling around the world with your backpack.

So: travel or career? Which one do you sacrifice in order to pursue the other?

I've got a track record of pretty much always choosing travel, going under the assumption that the gaping, year-long holes in my CV will shout, "here's an adventurous go-getter with plenty of life experience", rather than, "this guy's a lazy, employment-commitment-phobe who'll shoot through at the first sign of a Qantas fare sale".

I've been relatively lucky in that it's usually been the former, but I'm sure that's not the same for everyone. After all, potential employers are much more likely to ask, "What was your role in Company X?", than, "What was it like that time you went trekking in the Andes?"

The way I see it, those grappling with the travel/career conundrum have three choices.

The first, and probably easiest, is to take that high-paying job and settle down. Earn the cash, take short, sharp two-week holidays where you can, and spend the rest of your time reading half-rate travel blogs on news websites. You'll still get to see a bit of the world, and you'll progress in your career.

The next option is take a deep breath, book your tickets, and chuck in your job. Accept that you're setting your career back, and go out there, see the big wide world, and have the time of your life. You mightn't end up with quite the career path you thought you'd have, but gee you'll have some great photos.

And the last - and probably best - option is kind of a combination of the two. That is, attempt to pursue your career somewhere else. I think that's what so many Australians are doing in London - it's the kind of place you can garner some experience for your CV, earn good money, and see something of the world at the same time. Not only are you living in a foreign country, you're on the doorstep of about 40 others.

There are plenty of people from all walks of life (accountants, lawyers, IT nerds, construction managers, tradies, teachers, stockbrokers), in all parts of the world (Dubai, Hong Kong, New York, Mumbai, Paris, Rome, Buenos Aires), managing to combine travel and a career.

It's not quite the same experience as having a year of complete freedom, but it sounds like a pretty good compromise.

Check Mates

It's not just the 'Single White Females' a person should be wary of after browsing the personals- there's a real knack to false advertising... as finds out Will Anderson, Sunday Roast, April 6, 2008.

Being recently desperate and dateless, I've found my eyes lingering over the personal ads and, as far as I can tell, the most common requirement among single women is to find someone with a 'good sense of humour'.

Now, while that might sound good, I'm not sure this is actually true.  I mean, if that's what women really wanted, they'd be tearing down their posters of Owen Wilson and drooling over Kevin Bloody Wilson.

And it should also be pointed out that when women say they're looking for someone to make them laugh, it normally doesn't mean they want someone funny-looking.

Another massive cliche of personal ads is, 'I enjoy long walks on the beach', which, if a guy, usually means, 'while I'm taking photos of the topless women on my mobile phone', and, if it's a girl, actually means, 'I enjoy sitting on the couch in my tracksuit pants with a hot water bottle and a block of chocolate, watching Beaches.'

My brief study of the ads has already taught me a few lessons, such as when someone claims, 'I've never done this before,' it normally means, 'I have done this before but I don't want you to think I'm a desperate loser.'

When someone says they 'enjoy the simple things in life', this generally means, 'I'm poor.'  Coincidentally, 'I enjoy the simple things in life', was apparently the pick up line George W Bush's wife used to snag him.

And when someone says they're 'petite', it means they're short.  When someone says they're 'curvy', well, that means they're fat.  And when someone says they 'enjoy working with their hands', it means they didn't get into university.  (Although, I have to confess that petite, curvy and enjoys working with their hands sounds a lot more enticing than short, fat and dumb).

If you study the personals closely, you'll also notice a few warning signs.  For example, when someone feels the need to point out that they're 'normal', that's code for, "I'm not normal.  I have 72 cats and there's a real chance I'll end up making a coat from your skin."

Oh and when someone says they're looking for a 'soulmate', that's code for 'I'm really full-on and, if you dump me, I'll probably stalk you.'  Let's be honest here, if you're looking for your soulmate in the personal ads, you're probably aiming a little too hight.  Maybe lower your expectations to a mate who enjoys soul music, or who isn't an arse-soul?

'Easy-going' is a little more difficult to work out.  Does that mean they won't mind if you leave your coffee cup in the sink and put your feet on the couch?  Or does it mean they wear the same underwear seven days in a row?

When people describe themselves as 'adventurous', what exactly does that mean?  Does it imply that when they read the Karma Sutra, they stapled to the back a few extra pages of their own notes?  Does it mean they're willing to take a risk on the Ethiopian restaurant at the end of the street, of that their idea of a great date is a handful of nuts at the base camp of Mount Everest?

When someone says they're searching for a 'partner in crime' this probably means they want someone to have some fun with.  It doesn't mean they'll lend you their stockings for an armed hold-up or help you bury a body.

It's important to note some things probably sound better on paper than what they are in reality.  For example, 'I'll try anything once' sounds really exciting- until you realise that Charles Manson was probably a guy who would describe himself as someone who'd 'try anything once'.

And some descriptions are just downright confusing.  Such as when someone says they're 'not into playing games', does that mean mind games, or do they have some deep-set aversion to Monopoly?

Finally, it seems smoking is a major turn-off for a lot of people in single ads.  Personally, I like to date a smoker, because every conversation sounds like heavy breathing.  But the weirdest thing about the non-smoker request is the type of ads it appears in.  Someone will request, 'I'm looking for a person who enjoys dressing head-to-toe in a leather priest's outfit while taking my confession and spanking me... No Smokers.'

Yes, because you wouldn't want to attract anyone with anti- social habits!

The Secret of open Marriages

As read in The Times of India- 21 Apr 2008, Radhika Das

Rekha (name changed to protect identity) is a pretty, outgoing, 30-year-old who works as a copywriter. She is married to 32-year-old Jai (name changed to protect identity), an investment banker, who is rather shy and an introvert. The couple, married for five years, though not regular party-goers, enjoy the occasional night out with close friends or a dinner with a movie thrown in. The five years of their married existence had seen its share of ups and downs - from cosy weekends to occasional fights, door-slamming, tantrums and all.


Things were more or less beginning to settle down in a pattern familiar to most married couples and there was even talk of planning for a family. Till one fine day when Rekha was jolted out of her routine existence by Jai, who confessed to being physically attracted to a colleague. What was even more surprising was the fact that Rekha herself seemed not totally averse to the idea of infusing some adventure into their humdrum lives. Of course, as long as this urge to stray did not become a habit, she could live with it. In fact, she was looking forward to having a little 'fun’ of her own.

"We spent hours discussing what each of us wanted from this and set some boundaries that were not to be crossed. And at any point, if either of us had a problem, we would pull back. We didn’t want to do anything that would hurt the other," says Rekha.

Rekha and Jai are amongst the new breed of young couples who are consensually seeking gratification outside marriage without rocking their own boat. Using the term 'open marriage’ these couples are seeking to spice up their relationships by experimenting with other partners. Call it shocking or call it an indication of changing societal codes the question is: is an open marriage really what some define it to be - one in which both partners are free to participate sexually with partners outside marriage?

Tracing the origins of the term, researchers believed that it was first used in the West in the 60s to give societal sanction to individuals to choose their own life partner. But the meaning of the term changed radically in 1972, when Nena and George O'Neill used the term in their bestselling book Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples. The O'Neill’s perceived open marriage as one that is liberating and not suffocating where each partner gives the other space to grow as an individual first. While the O’Neill’s have discussed the possibility of developing 'intimate’ friendships outside marriage, popular culture began using the phrase as a synonym for sexual infidelity, much to the dismay of the authors.

In India too, the idea of open marriage has been adapted differently by experts. According to psychologist, Dr. Rachna Kothari, "Open marriage is an alliance where husband and wife are open to relationships outside marriage. It may specifically refer to both the partners, not having any reservations about indulging in sexual relationships outside their marriage."

Dr. Vibhuti Patel, a reader in the University of Mumbai, and member secretary, Women Development Cell, feels otherwise, "Open marriage is one where spouses share a democratic and transparent relationship without any 'personal secrets’. Here, the couples are candid and share each others problems, predicaments, confusions and doubts without fear of emotional blackmail or retaliation."

Agrees Arvinder J. Singh, a practicing therapist who deals with emotional and psychological problems, "Open marriage is where there is entry and exit whenever and wherever; without any conditions imposed upon each other. Marriage has some written and some unwritten codes and to me, open marriage means unwritten codes, that is, no commitments and no expectations."

Indeed, the system of marriage and divorce with its written codes evolved more recently. In fact, according to Dr. Patel, the system of divorce is only 5000 years old! According to Dr. Prakash Kothari, chief of sexual medicine at KEM Hospital and GS Medical College, Mumbai, "There was no marriage system in our country earlier. Anybody could go and sleep with anybody if they desired to."

According to Dr. Patel, "In traditional societies, adultery was and is the norm and not an exception. Look at the Garhwali tribe in the Himalayas, the Garo and Khasi tribes in the north east and the Mewati tribe in Rajasthan."

Truly, if we look closely at traditional societies you’d find that the concept of 'open marriages’ was and is prevalent in its own way. Marriages were and are more democratic and liberating without its modern-day garb of hypocrisy. If anything, the written codes brought with them oppressive traditions which led to jealousy, betrayal, and deceit. These are traditions that couples have been increasingly battling with - earlier in silence and today more vocally. "Open marriages are based on assertion of identities, dignity, self-esteem and self respect of both partners. In 'closed marriages’ there is more emotional, psychological, sexual, physical and economic violence as well as cheating, fraud and back-stabbing," asserts Dr. Patel.

In essence, people who are looking at open marriages or relationships are in fact those who are stepping out of the closet, and rewriting the codes. According to Dr. Devika Chawla, Professor of Communication Studies, Ohio University, US, who has researched on women's experiences in Hindu arranged marriages," open marriages can be an expression of uninhibited sexuality and sexual freedom."

Sexual freedom or not, increasing couples are seeking gratification outside of their marriages or relationships in an attempt to have a healthier conjugal and holistic life and shed the garb of hypocrisy. Of course, sexual fidelity will always remain a challenge, but what will ultimately triumph are the strength, honesty, and trust that an 'open marriage' is based on.

oh my god, my friends are responsible (Issue 21, Frankie magazine)

Recently I've started to notice that friends I've known since forever are turning into active and responsible members of society. Adults, if you will.

I once had to teach my friend Christian how to cook, and how to clean the toilet properly. He is now a doctor, and is allowed to deliver babies. Ditto my mate Alina, whose jeans I once rinsed of sick after she vommited on herself in front of a boy she had a massive crush on. My bestie Leah and I once survived two weeks eating nothing but profiteroles. (Not as glamorous as it seems- she worked at The Cheescake Ship and we'd spent all our Austudy allowance on booze). She is now in charge of redesigning a major section of metropolitan freeway. If Christian or Aline or Leah screw up at work, people die. You can't get much more responsible than that. Still, I just can't really envision them as proper 'grown ups'. At one time or another I have performed drunken public interpretive dances with all of them, for chrissake. Often to Kate Bush. Or Regurgitator. This is not, as far as I know, something real adult professionals do.

Except here's the thing. When I was younger, I had this idea that the grown-ups I encountered- teachers, dentists, lollipop ladies- uniformly had their shit together. They were faultless, all-knowing and, to my knowledge, never chucked sickies or (not naming names) ducked out of consulting rooms to Google their patient's symptoms.

Now, all my friends are smart people: they're good at what they do. But they haven't all suddenly been handed a golden ticket marked 'responsible adult' and that's that. They teach in high schools and repair planes and fight in the army and raise children, but they don't always know exactly what they're doing. Sometimes they're winging it, and sometimes they're shitting themselves about all the responsibility they've been given. Sometimes it still feels weird not to be able to turn around to someone older and more experienced and go, "there you are. You deal with it."

So here's what I have learned. My youthful vision of an all-knowing stable and sanitary adult world where everyone knew how to balance their cheque books was, and is, a sham. Reporters for major news organisations like to drink too much red wine and giggle while playing air guitar at four in the morning. People with law degrees get excited by strawberry-flavoured beer. Government officials have tattoos of Space Invaders on their arms.

We all still occassionally let our washing pile up to the point of dangerous underwear shortage, or throw tantrums when the boys we like don't call us. We eat cereal for dinner, go to bed with our make-up on and spend whole Saturdays in our pyjamas. Responsibility isn't one size fits-all, and I'm starting to find that vaguely comforting. Grown-ups are people too.

Depression and Loneliness- an excerpt from 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert

Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. I am walking through the Villa Borghese one evening after a happy day spent in school, and the sun is setting gold over St Peter's Basilica. I am feeling contented in this romantic scene, even if I am all by myself, while everyone else in the park is either fondling a lover of playing with a laughing child. But I stop to lean against a balustrade and watch the sunsent, and I get to thinking a little too much, and then my thinking turns to brooding, and that's when they catch up with me.

They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. Though I admit that I am surprised to meet them in this elegant Italian garden at dusk. This is no place they belong.

I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says, "What- you're not happy to see us?"
"Go away," I tell him.
Loneliness, the more sensitve cop, says "I'm sorry ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."
"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.

Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed things up with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, ecaxtly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy lika college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up on my old age, if I keep living this way.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to.

"It's not fair for you come come here," I tell Depression. "I paid you off already. I served my time back in New York."
But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favourite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulss the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.

She was a Phantom of Delight- by William Wordsworth (1770–1850)

SHE was a phantom of delight

When first she gleam’d upon my sight;

A lovely apparition, sent

To be a moment’s ornament;

Her eyes as stars of twilight fair;

Like Twilight’s, too, her dusky hair;

But all things else about her drawn

From May-time and the cheerful dawn;

A dancing shape, an image gay,

To haunt, to startle, and waylay.

I saw her upon nearer view,

A spirit, yet a woman too!

Her household motions light and free,

And steps of virgin-liberty;

A countenance in which did meet

Sweet records, promises as sweet;

A creature not too bright or good

For human nature’s daily food,

For transient sorrows, simple wiles,

Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles.

And now I see with eye serene

The very pulse of the machine;

A being breathing thoughtful breath,

A traveller between life and death:

The reason firm, the temperate will,

Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill;

A perfect woman, nobly plann’d

To warn, to comfort, and command;

And yet a Spirit still, and bright

With something of angelic light.