Check Mates

It's not just the 'Single White Females' a person should be wary of after browsing the personals- there's a real knack to false advertising... as finds out Will Anderson, Sunday Roast, April 6, 2008.

Being recently desperate and dateless, I've found my eyes lingering over the personal ads and, as far as I can tell, the most common requirement among single women is to find someone with a 'good sense of humour'.

Now, while that might sound good, I'm not sure this is actually true.  I mean, if that's what women really wanted, they'd be tearing down their posters of Owen Wilson and drooling over Kevin Bloody Wilson.

And it should also be pointed out that when women say they're looking for someone to make them laugh, it normally doesn't mean they want someone funny-looking.

Another massive cliche of personal ads is, 'I enjoy long walks on the beach', which, if a guy, usually means, 'while I'm taking photos of the topless women on my mobile phone', and, if it's a girl, actually means, 'I enjoy sitting on the couch in my tracksuit pants with a hot water bottle and a block of chocolate, watching Beaches.'

My brief study of the ads has already taught me a few lessons, such as when someone claims, 'I've never done this before,' it normally means, 'I have done this before but I don't want you to think I'm a desperate loser.'

When someone says they 'enjoy the simple things in life', this generally means, 'I'm poor.'  Coincidentally, 'I enjoy the simple things in life', was apparently the pick up line George W Bush's wife used to snag him.

And when someone says they're 'petite', it means they're short.  When someone says they're 'curvy', well, that means they're fat.  And when someone says they 'enjoy working with their hands', it means they didn't get into university.  (Although, I have to confess that petite, curvy and enjoys working with their hands sounds a lot more enticing than short, fat and dumb).

If you study the personals closely, you'll also notice a few warning signs.  For example, when someone feels the need to point out that they're 'normal', that's code for, "I'm not normal.  I have 72 cats and there's a real chance I'll end up making a coat from your skin."

Oh and when someone says they're looking for a 'soulmate', that's code for 'I'm really full-on and, if you dump me, I'll probably stalk you.'  Let's be honest here, if you're looking for your soulmate in the personal ads, you're probably aiming a little too hight.  Maybe lower your expectations to a mate who enjoys soul music, or who isn't an arse-soul?

'Easy-going' is a little more difficult to work out.  Does that mean they won't mind if you leave your coffee cup in the sink and put your feet on the couch?  Or does it mean they wear the same underwear seven days in a row?

When people describe themselves as 'adventurous', what exactly does that mean?  Does it imply that when they read the Karma Sutra, they stapled to the back a few extra pages of their own notes?  Does it mean they're willing to take a risk on the Ethiopian restaurant at the end of the street, of that their idea of a great date is a handful of nuts at the base camp of Mount Everest?

When someone says they're searching for a 'partner in crime' this probably means they want someone to have some fun with.  It doesn't mean they'll lend you their stockings for an armed hold-up or help you bury a body.

It's important to note some things probably sound better on paper than what they are in reality.  For example, 'I'll try anything once' sounds really exciting- until you realise that Charles Manson was probably a guy who would describe himself as someone who'd 'try anything once'.

And some descriptions are just downright confusing.  Such as when someone says they're 'not into playing games', does that mean mind games, or do they have some deep-set aversion to Monopoly?

Finally, it seems smoking is a major turn-off for a lot of people in single ads.  Personally, I like to date a smoker, because every conversation sounds like heavy breathing.  But the weirdest thing about the non-smoker request is the type of ads it appears in.  Someone will request, 'I'm looking for a person who enjoys dressing head-to-toe in a leather priest's outfit while taking my confession and spanking me... No Smokers.'

Yes, because you wouldn't want to attract anyone with anti- social habits!