No Country for Old Men

Sunday Herald Sun Magazine- 8th Feb 09

There are few bigger pleasures for a single man than sharing a house with his mates. Beer cans are crushed on foreheads, drunk women are brought home by even drunker men, and no food is eaten that hasn't arrived on the back of a moped or isn't served from a plastic container.

Oh, what joy it is to be alive and living with other blokes in those deady days of your 20s. It isn't bad in your 20s either. But once you're over 35, well, it starts to look suspicious. One writer referred to it recently as the land of the "male spinster". And, increasingly, women are seeing men who never settle down, as not so much 'intriguing' as 'worrying'.

According to US sociologist Michael Kimmel, this is 'Guyland'. In his book of the same name, he calls it "the perilous world where boys become men." It's where "young men in their late teens and 20s have nothing better to do than hang out and brag about how much they drank the previous night, or the random girls they've hooked up with."

Sure, it's a lot of fun, but you have to check out of Guyland at some point. That's what I did recently, albeit somewhat late in life. At one-minute-to-midnight at the end of my 30s, I swapped hooking up for tidying up, and bragging about drinking for someone nagging me about drinking.

Yet, some men never leave. These days, 'confirmed bachelor' isn't a euphemism for homosexual, but a description of a slightly sad bloke who won't give up the game. They don't think Guyland is a state you pass through in your 20s, but somewhere you aspire to live forever. Women, perhaps rightly, are starting to clock that an unmarried man over 40 isn't a playboy, but more likely a loner with serious commitment issues and a huge collection of porn.

One acquaintance, a film sound technician and bachelor of 45, attests, "I never want to settle down. Why should I? I grow older every year, but the chicks stay the same age. I can still pull women in their 20s. And besides, the thrill is in the chase."

It's a tempting lifestyle. In fact, life in Guyland is great until the day you wake up and it just isn't great any more. For most men, that happens when their married mates reach a critical mass. Being a single guy is a riot even in your late 30s, when smug marrieds outnumber footloose shaggers- as long as there are enough of you to form a round at the pub to pour scorn on your contemporaries and their trivial conversations about overpriced strollers and out-of-town property bargains.

For me, the revelation I'd overstayed my visa in Guyland came the day my flatmate upped and married, the selfish bastart. There I was, living by myself, looking down the barrell of 40 and thinking, am I going to die alone? How come even takeaways come in sizes designed for two people?

So you meet someone- in my case, clearly, the love of my life- and suddenly, well, I'd like to say I've made a compromise, a trade-off between freedom and domesticity, but I have to admit to all my single brethren: it isn't. It's more like swapping a lifestyle that's built for mental ill-health for a life of staggering happiness and the odd argument about whose turn it is to pay the cleaner.

As comedian Chris Rock said on a recent stand-up tour, "The choice for men over 35 is simple: live on your own- want to kill yourself; get married- want to kill your wife." And, sadly (and not at all funnily), the statistics for single male suicides back him up.

A whole raft of research shows that some of society's longest life expectancies are found among nuns, whilst the shortest are found among single men. Single men die early; they drink more, smoke more and kill themselves more often, whereas single unmarried women live longer than their married sisters. The maths is simple: marriage is bad for women and good for guys.

So what are you gonna do? Not marry simply to save some chick's life? I don't think so. Marry her and save yourself. It's every man for himself, and the selfish man has only one choice: if he wants to die happy and old, marry and marry quick. Staying too long in Guyland is for those with a death wish.

Of course, this doesn't mean the transition from late-30s singleton to smug married is without is 'decompression sickness'- or what one bachelor buddy who got hitched recently calls 'the wedding bends'. You have to learn how to listen not only to a woman's problems, but also loud phone calls to her friends. (She has to learn how to listen to a loud television playing World's Most Amazing Sporting Disasters and Car Crash Nightmares). And you have to learn to compromise- something men living in Guyland never do, because they always wnat to do the same thing (get drunk, get laid, watch World's Most Amazing Sporting Disasters).

But, in return, you'll have your feet rubbed when you're stressed, and you'll have sex on tap. No matter how much they brag, that's something blokes in Guyland will never have.

Check Mates

It's not just the 'Single White Females' a person should be wary of after browsing the personals- there's a real knack to false advertising... as finds out Will Anderson, Sunday Roast, April 6, 2008.

Being recently desperate and dateless, I've found my eyes lingering over the personal ads and, as far as I can tell, the most common requirement among single women is to find someone with a 'good sense of humour'.

Now, while that might sound good, I'm not sure this is actually true.  I mean, if that's what women really wanted, they'd be tearing down their posters of Owen Wilson and drooling over Kevin Bloody Wilson.

And it should also be pointed out that when women say they're looking for someone to make them laugh, it normally doesn't mean they want someone funny-looking.

Another massive cliche of personal ads is, 'I enjoy long walks on the beach', which, if a guy, usually means, 'while I'm taking photos of the topless women on my mobile phone', and, if it's a girl, actually means, 'I enjoy sitting on the couch in my tracksuit pants with a hot water bottle and a block of chocolate, watching Beaches.'

My brief study of the ads has already taught me a few lessons, such as when someone claims, 'I've never done this before,' it normally means, 'I have done this before but I don't want you to think I'm a desperate loser.'

When someone says they 'enjoy the simple things in life', this generally means, 'I'm poor.'  Coincidentally, 'I enjoy the simple things in life', was apparently the pick up line George W Bush's wife used to snag him.

And when someone says they're 'petite', it means they're short.  When someone says they're 'curvy', well, that means they're fat.  And when someone says they 'enjoy working with their hands', it means they didn't get into university.  (Although, I have to confess that petite, curvy and enjoys working with their hands sounds a lot more enticing than short, fat and dumb).

If you study the personals closely, you'll also notice a few warning signs.  For example, when someone feels the need to point out that they're 'normal', that's code for, "I'm not normal.  I have 72 cats and there's a real chance I'll end up making a coat from your skin."

Oh and when someone says they're looking for a 'soulmate', that's code for 'I'm really full-on and, if you dump me, I'll probably stalk you.'  Let's be honest here, if you're looking for your soulmate in the personal ads, you're probably aiming a little too hight.  Maybe lower your expectations to a mate who enjoys soul music, or who isn't an arse-soul?

'Easy-going' is a little more difficult to work out.  Does that mean they won't mind if you leave your coffee cup in the sink and put your feet on the couch?  Or does it mean they wear the same underwear seven days in a row?

When people describe themselves as 'adventurous', what exactly does that mean?  Does it imply that when they read the Karma Sutra, they stapled to the back a few extra pages of their own notes?  Does it mean they're willing to take a risk on the Ethiopian restaurant at the end of the street, of that their idea of a great date is a handful of nuts at the base camp of Mount Everest?

When someone says they're searching for a 'partner in crime' this probably means they want someone to have some fun with.  It doesn't mean they'll lend you their stockings for an armed hold-up or help you bury a body.

It's important to note some things probably sound better on paper than what they are in reality.  For example, 'I'll try anything once' sounds really exciting- until you realise that Charles Manson was probably a guy who would describe himself as someone who'd 'try anything once'.

And some descriptions are just downright confusing.  Such as when someone says they're 'not into playing games', does that mean mind games, or do they have some deep-set aversion to Monopoly?

Finally, it seems smoking is a major turn-off for a lot of people in single ads.  Personally, I like to date a smoker, because every conversation sounds like heavy breathing.  But the weirdest thing about the non-smoker request is the type of ads it appears in.  Someone will request, 'I'm looking for a person who enjoys dressing head-to-toe in a leather priest's outfit while taking my confession and spanking me... No Smokers.'

Yes, because you wouldn't want to attract anyone with anti- social habits!