Tales of the City

Is it harder to sustain a relationship when you're living in a big city? Johanna Hegerty investigates (Sunday Herald Sun, June 8, 2008)

It was a drought-stricken farmer in Harden-Murrumburrah, NSW, who got me thinking. "Wouldn't give it up for the world," he said, gesturing towards his dusty farm. "I get to see the missus all the time, watch the kids grow up. You city folk0 always getting divorced and giving up on each other. Nope, wouldn't give it up for the world."

Back in the big smoke, I looked around at my group of friends. It was a sorry tale: this couple divorced, these two hanging in there but leading such separate lives they barely knew each other. One friend has been ordering coffee from the same barista for six years, yet all his relationships fall apart after two. I wondered: does urban living undermine out chances for successful relationships?

"There's a different emotional groove and a faster pace of life with city living," says Dr Matthew Bambling from the Queensland University of Technology School of Psychology and Counselling. "This forces people to over function and focus on themselves. It encourages us to be more materialistic and to chase success, and this can put some real pressure on our relationships."

When you consider the daily commute, ever-increasing workloads, long days, busy social calendars and the throw-away attitude of consumerism that's prevalent in big cities, it's no wonder our relationships struggle to keep up. "Perhaps we'll continue to see the development of the new relationship model we now have where people give it a go and if it works out, great; if not, they move on to someone new," says Dr Bambling.

For all the advantages of city living, people are expected to be successful and work long hours. We're not rewarded for focussing on each other and on our families, but for chasing success and money. When was the last time you heard someone at work say, "I'm going home early today because I haven't seen my partner for a couple of days"?

Time for Love
All research points to time as one of the key issues in the deterioration of a relationship. If you're not spending enough quality time together you are less likely to have a functioning relationship," says Anne Hollonds from Relationship Australia.

Timetable, deadlines and overtime are all part of a city worker's daily vocabulary and this impacts on the time couple have together. "A busy life can suck the energy out of a relationship," says Dr Bambling. "People simply need time to be able to do the stuff that keeps their relationship alive."

And when time is pressed, its evil cousin, stress, is never far behind. "If people are stressed and busy, they can never enjoy being with another person because they're overwhelmed and just don't have the energy to connect with their partner," says Dr Bambling.

Parallel Lives
Gemma Darlington is more than familiar with the effect of city living on her relationship. Her partner, an analyst, often worked nights while she worked days, and their waking hours were spent discussing bills, chores and social functions. The Sydney PR executive worried that she and her partner had lost that loving feeling- and then she discovered he had a whole other life involving friends she had never met, poker games and an online girlfriend.

While Darlington says it would have been easier to let the relationship go then try to make it work, she felt their situation- working around the clock to pay off a mortgage and get ahead in their careers- was partially to blame, and she and her now husband decided to work to save their relationship.

"The city is so negative," says Darlington. "It eats people up. We had let everything else take over and had lost that emotional connections." Two years later, the couple is living happily in a small coastal town in northern NSW.

"In the city it's much easier to keep secrets," says Dr Bambling. "And while we're entitled to have part of our lives which is ours, we need to be transparent about things that impact on our primary other. If you have a secret online friendship that meets your emotional needs better than your primary relationship, you need to see this as a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble."

Forming Attachments
Just as there are greater choices for work, education, shopping and entertainment in the city, there's also more opportunity to meet people. This, in a way, explains the revolving-door relationship model of city living. "There are many people out there we're compatible with; some of us just happen to have chosen a person to stick with. If it doesn't work out, we're likely to meet someone else with whom we could form a meaningful relationship." says Dr Bambling.

Humans are social beings, and if you are spending more time with a colleague than your partner, it is easy to form an attachment. "Any social relationship, whether it be at work, in a purely innocent way or someone else who takes our interest, begins to take energy out of the primary relationship and, as a result, the primary relationship will suffer," says Dr Bambling. "In addition to this, the pressures of busy life can cause people to feel they are losing touch with each other and they might look forward to seeing their colleagues more than their partner."

And so beings a vicious circle where the more you get out of the second relationship, the less energy you expand on your partner, who then becomes more distant.

Damage Controle
By no means is it impossible to have a successful relationship in the city, but Hollonds says you must first sit down together review your goals for the partnership. Do you want to make a million dollars? If so, you need to talk about it in terns of human cost. "You need to recognise the costs and the risks and agree on them as a couple," she says. "Many people get caught in the trap of thinking, 'In five years once we've achieved X, we'll have time for each other". But when you get to that point five years later, there may be no-one home for you to send time with unless you act now."

The other key to keeping a long- term relationship alive is working on it every day. "Find at least one point in the day to focus on your partner, even if it's just to say something nice or acknowledge them in the busyness of life. Send a text or make a quick phone call to keep the connection during the long intervals of time apart. This can be the glue that keeps people with each other all week," says Dr Bambling.

It's also important to build time into your week to spend quality time together, with no interruptions, be it a regualar dinner date, scheduled night in or Saturday morning walk and breakfast.

Communication is one of the key skills in an ongoing relationship and this becomes more critical in big cities where stress is a daily occurrence. "With so little time for each other, those living in the city may be making the choice not to sweat the conflict stuff because they don't want to ruin the 10 minutes they get each night with their partner," says Dr Bambling. This can create a build-up of resentment or frustration, which can cause the relationship to deteriorate.

Hollonds recommends coaching, even for couples who aren't showing any signs of strain. "The environment we live in today is quite hostile to long-term relationships and coaching is one way to build up the partnership," she says. "We need to have the tools to negotiate quickly and effectively with one another."

The Secret of open Marriages

As read in The Times of India- 21 Apr 2008, Radhika Das

Rekha (name changed to protect identity) is a pretty, outgoing, 30-year-old who works as a copywriter. She is married to 32-year-old Jai (name changed to protect identity), an investment banker, who is rather shy and an introvert. The couple, married for five years, though not regular party-goers, enjoy the occasional night out with close friends or a dinner with a movie thrown in. The five years of their married existence had seen its share of ups and downs - from cosy weekends to occasional fights, door-slamming, tantrums and all.


Things were more or less beginning to settle down in a pattern familiar to most married couples and there was even talk of planning for a family. Till one fine day when Rekha was jolted out of her routine existence by Jai, who confessed to being physically attracted to a colleague. What was even more surprising was the fact that Rekha herself seemed not totally averse to the idea of infusing some adventure into their humdrum lives. Of course, as long as this urge to stray did not become a habit, she could live with it. In fact, she was looking forward to having a little 'fun’ of her own.

"We spent hours discussing what each of us wanted from this and set some boundaries that were not to be crossed. And at any point, if either of us had a problem, we would pull back. We didn’t want to do anything that would hurt the other," says Rekha.

Rekha and Jai are amongst the new breed of young couples who are consensually seeking gratification outside marriage without rocking their own boat. Using the term 'open marriage’ these couples are seeking to spice up their relationships by experimenting with other partners. Call it shocking or call it an indication of changing societal codes the question is: is an open marriage really what some define it to be - one in which both partners are free to participate sexually with partners outside marriage?

Tracing the origins of the term, researchers believed that it was first used in the West in the 60s to give societal sanction to individuals to choose their own life partner. But the meaning of the term changed radically in 1972, when Nena and George O'Neill used the term in their bestselling book Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples. The O'Neill’s perceived open marriage as one that is liberating and not suffocating where each partner gives the other space to grow as an individual first. While the O’Neill’s have discussed the possibility of developing 'intimate’ friendships outside marriage, popular culture began using the phrase as a synonym for sexual infidelity, much to the dismay of the authors.

In India too, the idea of open marriage has been adapted differently by experts. According to psychologist, Dr. Rachna Kothari, "Open marriage is an alliance where husband and wife are open to relationships outside marriage. It may specifically refer to both the partners, not having any reservations about indulging in sexual relationships outside their marriage."

Dr. Vibhuti Patel, a reader in the University of Mumbai, and member secretary, Women Development Cell, feels otherwise, "Open marriage is one where spouses share a democratic and transparent relationship without any 'personal secrets’. Here, the couples are candid and share each others problems, predicaments, confusions and doubts without fear of emotional blackmail or retaliation."

Agrees Arvinder J. Singh, a practicing therapist who deals with emotional and psychological problems, "Open marriage is where there is entry and exit whenever and wherever; without any conditions imposed upon each other. Marriage has some written and some unwritten codes and to me, open marriage means unwritten codes, that is, no commitments and no expectations."

Indeed, the system of marriage and divorce with its written codes evolved more recently. In fact, according to Dr. Patel, the system of divorce is only 5000 years old! According to Dr. Prakash Kothari, chief of sexual medicine at KEM Hospital and GS Medical College, Mumbai, "There was no marriage system in our country earlier. Anybody could go and sleep with anybody if they desired to."

According to Dr. Patel, "In traditional societies, adultery was and is the norm and not an exception. Look at the Garhwali tribe in the Himalayas, the Garo and Khasi tribes in the north east and the Mewati tribe in Rajasthan."

Truly, if we look closely at traditional societies you’d find that the concept of 'open marriages’ was and is prevalent in its own way. Marriages were and are more democratic and liberating without its modern-day garb of hypocrisy. If anything, the written codes brought with them oppressive traditions which led to jealousy, betrayal, and deceit. These are traditions that couples have been increasingly battling with - earlier in silence and today more vocally. "Open marriages are based on assertion of identities, dignity, self-esteem and self respect of both partners. In 'closed marriages’ there is more emotional, psychological, sexual, physical and economic violence as well as cheating, fraud and back-stabbing," asserts Dr. Patel.

In essence, people who are looking at open marriages or relationships are in fact those who are stepping out of the closet, and rewriting the codes. According to Dr. Devika Chawla, Professor of Communication Studies, Ohio University, US, who has researched on women's experiences in Hindu arranged marriages," open marriages can be an expression of uninhibited sexuality and sexual freedom."

Sexual freedom or not, increasing couples are seeking gratification outside of their marriages or relationships in an attempt to have a healthier conjugal and holistic life and shed the garb of hypocrisy. Of course, sexual fidelity will always remain a challenge, but what will ultimately triumph are the strength, honesty, and trust that an 'open marriage' is based on.

Friendship

Do you remember how friendship worked when you were at school: tentatively deciding who to sit next to, because the choice you made would decide which social group you belonged to; picking teams during games lessons- or standing there hoping desperately that your friend who was picking teams didn't leave you until last marking you out as a social pariah; having rows that ended with "we're not friends anymore"; and much hair-flicking and storming off to hang out with another group of friends who you instructed "don't talk to her"? Think things have moved on since then? Thing again.

Ok, it's unlikely that you will sulk for a week because your best friend borrowed your favourite Barbie pen and chewed the end (probably). But replace the Barbie pen with your new designer shoes, and the chewing with the scuffing and you'll see how little things have changed since you were a kid.

Most people have had to juggle a party guest list because one friend inadvertently ended up dating another one's ex-boyfriend and you know they'll come to blows if they're in the same space; have been double- booked on Saturday night and had to choose which friend to see; or have spent a day shopping with a friend, only to realise that, actually, said person is seriously dull when you have to spend five hours with them.

Many friendships have faltered in the face of a holiday together, or worse, flat sharing. And while you may not actively tell your friends 'don't talk to her', if another friend gets on your wrong side, let's face it, if some girl's just stolen your bloke leaving you broken-hearted and sobbing, there's an unwritten 'girly code' that says only a rubbish pal of yours would continue to chat with her.

Over a lifetime, the average person makes 396 friends (check your facebook folks!), but of those they only stay in touch with 33, that's one in 12- a situation that over two-thirds (68 percent) call one of their 'biggest regrets in life'. Someone you feel incredibly close to at one stage in your life could be little more than an acuaintance- or even a stranger- few years later. Conversely, friendships that start off as casual, with the occasional beer here and party invitation there, can get closer over time.

According to survey by MSN Messenger, most people have 33 friends at any one time, but the majority of these are are seen as 'social friends'. Somewhat scarily, of all the hundreds of pals you make over the years, most of us only have six people that we'd consider true friends at any one time. Obviously, surveys are based on averages, so don't panic if you've got less pals than that (or feel smug if you've got more). After all, do you really want to be average? Added to which, friendships vary over the course of your life, so even if you've only got one close pal at the moment, it doesn't mean that will always be the case.

Friends are often the most important people in our lives. At any one point, about half of the UK population and around a third of the US population are single, meaning that we rely on friends for emotional and practical support. Sure, some people have a close family they can rely on in emergencies, but most of us tend to turn to our pals in times of crisis; think of all those wine-soaked "why hasn't he called" phone-calls, the hours of bitching about the boss who's just made you redundant from the job of your dreams, and staying on a friend's floor when you can't afford to pay the rent because you've just lost said job.

Negotiating your way through friendships can be tricky. With sexual relationships, there's natural expectation that you'll both have to compromise. With friendships, it's much easier to end up in negative patterns without realisng it; one of you always picks the restaurants you go to, or is the person who calls to arrange meeting up. We put up with behaviour from friends that we'd find utterly unacceptable in a relationship, giving them the benefit of the doubt, or sitting on problems hoping they'll blow over. We suffer friendships that are long past their sell-by date, because, well, it's only friendship, and saying, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore," seems melodramatic, or at the very least, a bit 'eight-year-old'. We even put up with friends who are seriously toxic, for fear of being perceived as oversensitve if we pull them up on their behaviour.

Conversely, we have higher expectations of friendship than of relationships; after all, there are endless articles about the myriad reasons that a partner might let you down (most of which get oversimplified to 'because men are crap'- which may be unfair, but, hell, that's the world we're living in). Friendship on the other hand is expected to be flawless: if you believe the media, a friend is someone who should make you laugh, ensure you get home safely when you've had one too many cocktails, defend you in an argument, go shopping with you, listen to your worries, and be responsible for your social life. That's quite a demand to put on anyone.

It's a wonder anyone has any friends at all....