Is it harder to sustain a relationship when you're living in a big city? Johanna Hegerty investigates (Sunday Herald Sun, June 8, 2008)
It was a drought-stricken farmer in Harden-Murrumburrah, NSW, who got me thinking. "Wouldn't give it up for the world," he said, gesturing towards his dusty farm. "I get to see the missus all the time, watch the kids grow up. You city folk0 always getting divorced and giving up on each other. Nope, wouldn't give it up for the world."
Back in the big smoke, I looked around at my group of friends. It was a sorry tale: this couple divorced, these two hanging in there but leading such separate lives they barely knew each other. One friend has been ordering coffee from the same barista for six years, yet all his relationships fall apart after two. I wondered: does urban living undermine out chances for successful relationships?
"There's a different emotional groove and a faster pace of life with city living," says Dr Matthew Bambling from the Queensland University of Technology School of Psychology and Counselling. "This forces people to over function and focus on themselves. It encourages us to be more materialistic and to chase success, and this can put some real pressure on our relationships."
When you consider the daily commute, ever-increasing workloads, long days, busy social calendars and the throw-away attitude of consumerism that's prevalent in big cities, it's no wonder our relationships struggle to keep up. "Perhaps we'll continue to see the development of the new relationship model we now have where people give it a go and if it works out, great; if not, they move on to someone new," says Dr Bambling.
For all the advantages of city living, people are expected to be successful and work long hours. We're not rewarded for focussing on each other and on our families, but for chasing success and money. When was the last time you heard someone at work say, "I'm going home early today because I haven't seen my partner for a couple of days"?
Time for Love
All research points to time as one of the key issues in the deterioration of a relationship. If you're not spending enough quality time together you are less likely to have a functioning relationship," says Anne Hollonds from Relationship Australia.
Timetable, deadlines and overtime are all part of a city worker's daily vocabulary and this impacts on the time couple have together. "A busy life can suck the energy out of a relationship," says Dr Bambling. "People simply need time to be able to do the stuff that keeps their relationship alive."
And when time is pressed, its evil cousin, stress, is never far behind. "If people are stressed and busy, they can never enjoy being with another person because they're overwhelmed and just don't have the energy to connect with their partner," says Dr Bambling.
Parallel Lives
Gemma Darlington is more than familiar with the effect of city living on her relationship. Her partner, an analyst, often worked nights while she worked days, and their waking hours were spent discussing bills, chores and social functions. The Sydney PR executive worried that she and her partner had lost that loving feeling- and then she discovered he had a whole other life involving friends she had never met, poker games and an online girlfriend.
While Darlington says it would have been easier to let the relationship go then try to make it work, she felt their situation- working around the clock to pay off a mortgage and get ahead in their careers- was partially to blame, and she and her now husband decided to work to save their relationship.
"The city is so negative," says Darlington. "It eats people up. We had let everything else take over and had lost that emotional connections." Two years later, the couple is living happily in a small coastal town in northern NSW.
"In the city it's much easier to keep secrets," says Dr Bambling. "And while we're entitled to have part of our lives which is ours, we need to be transparent about things that impact on our primary other. If you have a secret online friendship that meets your emotional needs better than your primary relationship, you need to see this as a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble."
Forming Attachments
Just as there are greater choices for work, education, shopping and entertainment in the city, there's also more opportunity to meet people. This, in a way, explains the revolving-door relationship model of city living. "There are many people out there we're compatible with; some of us just happen to have chosen a person to stick with. If it doesn't work out, we're likely to meet someone else with whom we could form a meaningful relationship." says Dr Bambling.
Humans are social beings, and if you are spending more time with a colleague than your partner, it is easy to form an attachment. "Any social relationship, whether it be at work, in a purely innocent way or someone else who takes our interest, begins to take energy out of the primary relationship and, as a result, the primary relationship will suffer," says Dr Bambling. "In addition to this, the pressures of busy life can cause people to feel they are losing touch with each other and they might look forward to seeing their colleagues more than their partner."
And so beings a vicious circle where the more you get out of the second relationship, the less energy you expand on your partner, who then becomes more distant.
Damage Controle
By no means is it impossible to have a successful relationship in the city, but Hollonds says you must first sit down together review your goals for the partnership. Do you want to make a million dollars? If so, you need to talk about it in terns of human cost. "You need to recognise the costs and the risks and agree on them as a couple," she says. "Many people get caught in the trap of thinking, 'In five years once we've achieved X, we'll have time for each other". But when you get to that point five years later, there may be no-one home for you to send time with unless you act now."
The other key to keeping a long- term relationship alive is working on it every day. "Find at least one point in the day to focus on your partner, even if it's just to say something nice or acknowledge them in the busyness of life. Send a text or make a quick phone call to keep the connection during the long intervals of time apart. This can be the glue that keeps people with each other all week," says Dr Bambling.
It's also important to build time into your week to spend quality time together, with no interruptions, be it a regualar dinner date, scheduled night in or Saturday morning walk and breakfast.
Communication is one of the key skills in an ongoing relationship and this becomes more critical in big cities where stress is a daily occurrence. "With so little time for each other, those living in the city may be making the choice not to sweat the conflict stuff because they don't want to ruin the 10 minutes they get each night with their partner," says Dr Bambling. This can create a build-up of resentment or frustration, which can cause the relationship to deteriorate.
Hollonds recommends coaching, even for couples who aren't showing any signs of strain. "The environment we live in today is quite hostile to long-term relationships and coaching is one way to build up the partnership," she says. "We need to have the tools to negotiate quickly and effectively with one another."
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