Anna Quindlen - American University Graduation Ceremony Speech

This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was awarded an Honorary PhD.

~ I’m a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don’t Ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also your soul.

People don’t talk about the soul very much any more. It’s so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort on a winter’s night, or when you’re sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you’ve received your test results and they’re not so good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and they to me.
Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre at my job if those other things were not true.

You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are.
So here’s what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay check, the larger house. Do you think you’d care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?
Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first finger.
Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are generous. And realise that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids’ eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of to live.

I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby’s ear. Read in the back yard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived. ~

No Country for Old Men

Sunday Herald Sun Magazine- 8th Feb 09

There are few bigger pleasures for a single man than sharing a house with his mates. Beer cans are crushed on foreheads, drunk women are brought home by even drunker men, and no food is eaten that hasn't arrived on the back of a moped or isn't served from a plastic container.

Oh, what joy it is to be alive and living with other blokes in those deady days of your 20s. It isn't bad in your 20s either. But once you're over 35, well, it starts to look suspicious. One writer referred to it recently as the land of the "male spinster". And, increasingly, women are seeing men who never settle down, as not so much 'intriguing' as 'worrying'.

According to US sociologist Michael Kimmel, this is 'Guyland'. In his book of the same name, he calls it "the perilous world where boys become men." It's where "young men in their late teens and 20s have nothing better to do than hang out and brag about how much they drank the previous night, or the random girls they've hooked up with."

Sure, it's a lot of fun, but you have to check out of Guyland at some point. That's what I did recently, albeit somewhat late in life. At one-minute-to-midnight at the end of my 30s, I swapped hooking up for tidying up, and bragging about drinking for someone nagging me about drinking.

Yet, some men never leave. These days, 'confirmed bachelor' isn't a euphemism for homosexual, but a description of a slightly sad bloke who won't give up the game. They don't think Guyland is a state you pass through in your 20s, but somewhere you aspire to live forever. Women, perhaps rightly, are starting to clock that an unmarried man over 40 isn't a playboy, but more likely a loner with serious commitment issues and a huge collection of porn.

One acquaintance, a film sound technician and bachelor of 45, attests, "I never want to settle down. Why should I? I grow older every year, but the chicks stay the same age. I can still pull women in their 20s. And besides, the thrill is in the chase."

It's a tempting lifestyle. In fact, life in Guyland is great until the day you wake up and it just isn't great any more. For most men, that happens when their married mates reach a critical mass. Being a single guy is a riot even in your late 30s, when smug marrieds outnumber footloose shaggers- as long as there are enough of you to form a round at the pub to pour scorn on your contemporaries and their trivial conversations about overpriced strollers and out-of-town property bargains.

For me, the revelation I'd overstayed my visa in Guyland came the day my flatmate upped and married, the selfish bastart. There I was, living by myself, looking down the barrell of 40 and thinking, am I going to die alone? How come even takeaways come in sizes designed for two people?

So you meet someone- in my case, clearly, the love of my life- and suddenly, well, I'd like to say I've made a compromise, a trade-off between freedom and domesticity, but I have to admit to all my single brethren: it isn't. It's more like swapping a lifestyle that's built for mental ill-health for a life of staggering happiness and the odd argument about whose turn it is to pay the cleaner.

As comedian Chris Rock said on a recent stand-up tour, "The choice for men over 35 is simple: live on your own- want to kill yourself; get married- want to kill your wife." And, sadly (and not at all funnily), the statistics for single male suicides back him up.

A whole raft of research shows that some of society's longest life expectancies are found among nuns, whilst the shortest are found among single men. Single men die early; they drink more, smoke more and kill themselves more often, whereas single unmarried women live longer than their married sisters. The maths is simple: marriage is bad for women and good for guys.

So what are you gonna do? Not marry simply to save some chick's life? I don't think so. Marry her and save yourself. It's every man for himself, and the selfish man has only one choice: if he wants to die happy and old, marry and marry quick. Staying too long in Guyland is for those with a death wish.

Of course, this doesn't mean the transition from late-30s singleton to smug married is without is 'decompression sickness'- or what one bachelor buddy who got hitched recently calls 'the wedding bends'. You have to learn how to listen not only to a woman's problems, but also loud phone calls to her friends. (She has to learn how to listen to a loud television playing World's Most Amazing Sporting Disasters and Car Crash Nightmares). And you have to learn to compromise- something men living in Guyland never do, because they always wnat to do the same thing (get drunk, get laid, watch World's Most Amazing Sporting Disasters).

But, in return, you'll have your feet rubbed when you're stressed, and you'll have sex on tap. No matter how much they brag, that's something blokes in Guyland will never have.

Memories

As read on Divine Caroline website:

I’m sitting here today thinking I really need to cry, but the worst is I don’t know why.
If I finally knew the reason, I’d probably just let it pass me by.
When you feel life is passing you by.
Just stop for a moment and ask yourself why.

The past is dead and gone and all the bad memories too.
But the hurt in your heart is still real to you.
Don’t wonder what tomorrow brings, live for today and do the best we can do.
So stop and be thankful for the good things in life, and also the bad times too.

I feel sometimes all the decisions are left up to me.
And I wonder why Lord, when all I have to do is ask and I will set free
I’m feeling alone tonight with all my fears and tears.
Show me Lord what you want of me, for I want to give my share.

Set your tears aside and put them inside a box, and put them there for today.
And bring out the laughter, to wash them tears away.
My heart yearns for a love of long ago.
But we cannot be to be together and that is so.

So smile now, and live just for today.
Don’t worry about tomorrow, it is far away.
Just think for the moment, and God will heal all.
And he will always there when you fall.

Sarfaroshi ki Tamanna- The Desire for Sacrifice

The Poem (English)

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai
Dekhna hai zor kitna baazu-e-qaatil mein hai

Aye watan, Karta nahin kyun doosra kuch baat-cheet
Dekhta hun main jise who chup teri mehfil mein hai
Aye shaheed-e-mulk-o-millat main tere oopar nisaar
Ab teri himmat ka charcha ghair ki mehfil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Waqt aanay dey bata denge tujhe aye aasman
Hum abhi se kya batayen kya hamare dil mein hai
Khainch kar layee hai sab ko qatl hone ki ummeed
Aashiqon ka aaj jumghat koocha-e-qaatil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hai liye hathiyaar dushman taak mein baitha udhar
Aur hum taiyyaar hain seena liye apna idhar
Khoon se khelenge holi gar vatan muskhil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Haath jin mein ho junoon katt te nahi talvaar se
Sar jo uth jaate hain voh jhukte nahi lalkaar se
Aur bhadkega jo shola-sa humaare dil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hum to ghar se nikle hi the baandhkar sar pe kafan
Jaan hatheli par liye lo barh chale hain ye qadam
Zindagi to apni mehmaan maut ki mehfil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Yuun khadaa maqtal mein qaatil kah rahaa hai baar baar
Kya tamannaa-e-shahaadat bhi kisee ke dil mein hai
Dil mein tuufaanon ki toli aur nason mein inqilaab
Hosh dushman ke udaa denge humein roko na aaj
Duur reh paaye jo humse dam kahaan manzil mein hai

Wo jism bhi kya jism hai jismein na ho khoon-e-junoon
Toofaanon se kya lade jo kashti-e-saahil mein hai

Chup khade hain aaj saare bhai mere khaamosh hain
Na karo to kuchh kaho mazhab mera mushkil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai.
Dekhna hai zor kitna baazuay qaatil mein hai.

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English Translation

The desire for sacrifice is now in our hearts
Let us see what strength there is in the arms of our executioner

Why do you remain silent thus?
Whoever I see, is gathered quiet so...
O martyr of country, of nation, I submit myself to thee
For yet even the enemy speaks of thy courage
The desire for struggle is in our hearts...

When the time comes, we shall show thee, O heaven
For why should we tell thee now, what lurks in our hearts?
We have been dragged to service, by the hope of blood, of vengeance
Yea, by our love for nation divine, we go to the streets of the enemy
The desire for struggle is in our hearts...

Armed does the enemy sit, ready to open fire
Ready too are we, our bosoms thrust out to him
With blood we shall play holi, if our nation need us
The desire for struggle is in our hearts...

No sword can sever hands that have the heat of battle within,
No threat can bow heads that have risen so...
Yea, for in our insides has risen a flame,
and the desire for struggle is in our hearts...

Set we out from our homes, our heads shrouded with cloth,
Taking our lives in our hands, do we march so...
In our assembly of death, life is now but a guest
The desire for struggle is in our hearts...

Stands the enemy in the gallows thus, asking,
Does anyone wish to bear testimony?...
With a host of storms in our heart, and with revolution in our breath,
We shall knock the enemy cold, and no one shall stop us...

What is that body that does not have hot blood in it,
How can a person conquer a Typhoon while sitting in a boat near the shore.

The desire for struggle is in our hearts,
We shall now see what strength there is in the boughs of the enemy.

The Western dating system

An excerpt from the book 'Marrying Anita', by Anita Jain

For years, I never questioned the Western dating system. The tenets on which it rests seemed perfectly sound: after meeting a man or woman through work or friends, one gets to know him o rher, and if one likes what one sees, one continues to deepen the commitment, which sometimes leads to marriage. What surprises me is how much this system leaves to chance encounter, to a kind of fate or fortune. For a decidedly unmystical society that seems to have the answer for everything else- the best medical care, cutting-edge technology, super highways and space shuttles- it seems odd that people are left to their own resources, casting around for another lonely soul, for what is arguably the most important decision of their lives.

If the institution of marriage is present in every society that we know of, from Lapps in northern Sweden to aborigines, and nearly all cultures promote marriage as the foundation of society, isn't it odd, then, that there is very little provision for how it is supposed to occur in the West? I puzzled over this gap and eventually arrived at a "the emperor has no clothes" conclusion.

It was so obvious no organized system for marriage existed in the West that people simply failed to blame the obvious for why they couldn't find someone to marry. They were told by their therapists and their friends that it was because they were too neurotic, too unhappy, had to work on themselves before they could be happy with someone else, or that they wanted it too badly. People are told to blame themselves, and they do: they try to lose weight, they develop new interests, they get a nose job. We wonder what's wrong with us when really we should wonder whether there isn't a better way of doing things. It is a curious misplacement for a self-congratulatory culture in which people are constantly trying to shift blame away from themselves.

Once I began questioning the efficacy of the Western dating system in resulting in marriage, I started wondering why it is that wanting to be committed to someone else is too often associated with weakness in the West. I noticed that when people were happily self sufficient, they liked to preach how they weren't looking for a serious commitment and didn't have time for one. It was only when they were dissatisfied that they began to think of marriage or commitment as a solution. But how many people are happily self sufficient?

Does marriage have to be a salve to loneliness to have value? Isn't it valuable to begin with? In the West, the modern ideal is to be independent, on one's own, and to be able to make the choice to live with another human being, to welcome someone else as a bonus to one's existence- if and when one is ready.

Couldn't one be a perfectly sound person who leads a far more purposeful life once engaged in a harmonious symbiosis with another human being? I certainly think so. Moreover, why do we have to be 'perfectly sound' before we can meet someone? Why can't we be desperately alone and unhappy and become much more balanced or healthy after getting involved with someone?

We've all seen this happen with friends- "God, Peter seems so much happier now that he's going out with Jessica. He's not drinking as much." Conventional wisdom frequently tells us that we're happier when we give to others and focus less on ourselves, so it seems rather a glaring void that there is no instituionalized system of finding a mate in Western culture these days.

To admit to others that I yearned for a long-term commitment or marriage- which is basically to say that I wanted to be able to think about someone else for a change- sounded regressive as soon as it emerged from my mouth. It was atavistic in nature, a throwback to a time when women couldn't financially support themselves. It was a piece of trecherous anathema in the age of strong, independent working women.

Of course, marriages were more or less arranged in Western cultures according to one's social status and welath until the twentieth century, which ushered in a freewheeling era that allowed people to choose their own mates. However, no system stepped in to replace the practice of arranged marriage once it fell by the wayside, leaving a lof of young men and women lonely and frustrated. In the West, people are so resolutely convinced that they alone are equipped to choose their own mates that they readily give up their right to happiness in favour of self determination.

In India, where marriages are routinely arranged by parents and extended family, marriage is not a choice. It just is. There is simply no concept of living a life alone. It happens here and there, but as a mistake, an unintentional slippage in society. In the West, people do it all the time, even relish it, saying things like, "I would rather live alone that with the wrong person." But spend ten minutes with most of these people and it becomes apparent that they are lonely.

Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Tales of the City

Is it harder to sustain a relationship when you're living in a big city? Johanna Hegerty investigates (Sunday Herald Sun, June 8, 2008)

It was a drought-stricken farmer in Harden-Murrumburrah, NSW, who got me thinking. "Wouldn't give it up for the world," he said, gesturing towards his dusty farm. "I get to see the missus all the time, watch the kids grow up. You city folk0 always getting divorced and giving up on each other. Nope, wouldn't give it up for the world."

Back in the big smoke, I looked around at my group of friends. It was a sorry tale: this couple divorced, these two hanging in there but leading such separate lives they barely knew each other. One friend has been ordering coffee from the same barista for six years, yet all his relationships fall apart after two. I wondered: does urban living undermine out chances for successful relationships?

"There's a different emotional groove and a faster pace of life with city living," says Dr Matthew Bambling from the Queensland University of Technology School of Psychology and Counselling. "This forces people to over function and focus on themselves. It encourages us to be more materialistic and to chase success, and this can put some real pressure on our relationships."

When you consider the daily commute, ever-increasing workloads, long days, busy social calendars and the throw-away attitude of consumerism that's prevalent in big cities, it's no wonder our relationships struggle to keep up. "Perhaps we'll continue to see the development of the new relationship model we now have where people give it a go and if it works out, great; if not, they move on to someone new," says Dr Bambling.

For all the advantages of city living, people are expected to be successful and work long hours. We're not rewarded for focussing on each other and on our families, but for chasing success and money. When was the last time you heard someone at work say, "I'm going home early today because I haven't seen my partner for a couple of days"?

Time for Love
All research points to time as one of the key issues in the deterioration of a relationship. If you're not spending enough quality time together you are less likely to have a functioning relationship," says Anne Hollonds from Relationship Australia.

Timetable, deadlines and overtime are all part of a city worker's daily vocabulary and this impacts on the time couple have together. "A busy life can suck the energy out of a relationship," says Dr Bambling. "People simply need time to be able to do the stuff that keeps their relationship alive."

And when time is pressed, its evil cousin, stress, is never far behind. "If people are stressed and busy, they can never enjoy being with another person because they're overwhelmed and just don't have the energy to connect with their partner," says Dr Bambling.

Parallel Lives
Gemma Darlington is more than familiar with the effect of city living on her relationship. Her partner, an analyst, often worked nights while she worked days, and their waking hours were spent discussing bills, chores and social functions. The Sydney PR executive worried that she and her partner had lost that loving feeling- and then she discovered he had a whole other life involving friends she had never met, poker games and an online girlfriend.

While Darlington says it would have been easier to let the relationship go then try to make it work, she felt their situation- working around the clock to pay off a mortgage and get ahead in their careers- was partially to blame, and she and her now husband decided to work to save their relationship.

"The city is so negative," says Darlington. "It eats people up. We had let everything else take over and had lost that emotional connections." Two years later, the couple is living happily in a small coastal town in northern NSW.

"In the city it's much easier to keep secrets," says Dr Bambling. "And while we're entitled to have part of our lives which is ours, we need to be transparent about things that impact on our primary other. If you have a secret online friendship that meets your emotional needs better than your primary relationship, you need to see this as a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble."

Forming Attachments
Just as there are greater choices for work, education, shopping and entertainment in the city, there's also more opportunity to meet people. This, in a way, explains the revolving-door relationship model of city living. "There are many people out there we're compatible with; some of us just happen to have chosen a person to stick with. If it doesn't work out, we're likely to meet someone else with whom we could form a meaningful relationship." says Dr Bambling.

Humans are social beings, and if you are spending more time with a colleague than your partner, it is easy to form an attachment. "Any social relationship, whether it be at work, in a purely innocent way or someone else who takes our interest, begins to take energy out of the primary relationship and, as a result, the primary relationship will suffer," says Dr Bambling. "In addition to this, the pressures of busy life can cause people to feel they are losing touch with each other and they might look forward to seeing their colleagues more than their partner."

And so beings a vicious circle where the more you get out of the second relationship, the less energy you expand on your partner, who then becomes more distant.

Damage Controle
By no means is it impossible to have a successful relationship in the city, but Hollonds says you must first sit down together review your goals for the partnership. Do you want to make a million dollars? If so, you need to talk about it in terns of human cost. "You need to recognise the costs and the risks and agree on them as a couple," she says. "Many people get caught in the trap of thinking, 'In five years once we've achieved X, we'll have time for each other". But when you get to that point five years later, there may be no-one home for you to send time with unless you act now."

The other key to keeping a long- term relationship alive is working on it every day. "Find at least one point in the day to focus on your partner, even if it's just to say something nice or acknowledge them in the busyness of life. Send a text or make a quick phone call to keep the connection during the long intervals of time apart. This can be the glue that keeps people with each other all week," says Dr Bambling.

It's also important to build time into your week to spend quality time together, with no interruptions, be it a regualar dinner date, scheduled night in or Saturday morning walk and breakfast.

Communication is one of the key skills in an ongoing relationship and this becomes more critical in big cities where stress is a daily occurrence. "With so little time for each other, those living in the city may be making the choice not to sweat the conflict stuff because they don't want to ruin the 10 minutes they get each night with their partner," says Dr Bambling. This can create a build-up of resentment or frustration, which can cause the relationship to deteriorate.

Hollonds recommends coaching, even for couples who aren't showing any signs of strain. "The environment we live in today is quite hostile to long-term relationships and coaching is one way to build up the partnership," she says. "We need to have the tools to negotiate quickly and effectively with one another."