Nandita's Blog

Anna Quindlen - American University Graduation Ceremony Speech

2009-04-19T17:10:00.001+10:00

This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was awarded an Honorary PhD.

~ I’m a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don’t Ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also your soul.

People don’t talk about the soul very much any more. It’s so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort on a winter’s night, or when you’re sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you’ve received your test results and they’re not so good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and they to me.
Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre at my job if those other things were not true.

You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are.
So here’s what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay check, the larger house. Do you think you’d care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?
Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first finger.
Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are generous. And realise that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids’ eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of to live.

I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby’s ear. Read in the back yard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived. ~

Vintage anyone?

2009-02-23T21:46:00.003+11:00

My gorgeous friend Sabrina has started a quirky business called Twin Cat- an online vintage clothing store.

Please check out the fantastic designs by visiting http://stores.ebay.com.au/Twin-Cat-Vintage

Alternatively, visit the Twin Cat website, http://twincatvintage.tumblr.com/

Remember Old is Gold!

No Country for Old Men

2009-02-08T17:38:00.004+11:00

Sunday Herald Sun Magazine- 8th Feb 09

There are few bigger pleasures for a single man than sharing a house with his mates. Beer cans are crushed on foreheads, drunk women are brought home by even drunker men, and no food is eaten that hasn't arrived on the back of a moped or isn't served from a plastic container.

Oh, what joy it is to be alive and living with other blokes in those deady days of your 20s. It isn't bad in your 20s either. But once you're over 35, well, it starts to look suspicious. One writer referred to it recently as the land of the "male spinster". And, increasingly, women are seeing men who never settle down, as not so much 'intriguing' as 'worrying'.

According to US sociologist Michael Kimmel, this is 'Guyland'. In his book of the same name, he calls it "the perilous world where boys become men." It's where "young men in their late teens and 20s have nothing better to do than hang out and brag about how much they drank the previous night, or the random girls they've hooked up with."

Sure, it's a lot of fun, but you have to check out of Guyland at some point. That's what I did recently, albeit somewhat late in life. At one-minute-to-midnight at the end of my 30s, I swapped hooking up for tidying up, and bragging about drinking for someone nagging me about drinking.

Yet, some men never leave. These days, 'confirmed bachelor' isn't a euphemism for homosexual, but a description of a slightly sad bloke who won't give up the game. They don't think Guyland is a state you pass through in your 20s, but somewhere you aspire to live forever. Women, perhaps rightly, are starting to clock that an unmarried man over 40 isn't a playboy, but more likely a loner with serious commitment issues and a huge collection of porn.

One acquaintance, a film sound technician and bachelor of 45, attests, "I never want to settle down. Why should I? I grow older every year, but the chicks stay the same age. I can still pull women in their 20s. And besides, the thrill is in the chase."

It's a tempting lifestyle. In fact, life in Guyland is great until the day you wake up and it just isn't great any more. For most men, that happens when their married mates reach a critical mass. Being a single guy is a riot even in your late 30s, when smug marrieds outnumber footloose shaggers- as long as there are enough of you to form a round at the pub to pour scorn on your contemporaries and their trivial conversations about overpriced strollers and out-of-town property bargains.

For me, the revelation I'd overstayed my visa in Guyland came the day my flatmate upped and married, the selfish bastart. There I was, living by myself, looking down the barrell of 40 and thinking, am I going to die alone? How come even takeaways come in sizes designed for two people?

So you meet someone- in my case, clearly, the love of my life- and suddenly, well, I'd like to say I've made a compromise, a trade-off between freedom and domesticity, but I have to admit to all my single brethren: it isn't. It's more like swapping a lifestyle that's built for mental ill-health for a life of staggering happiness and the odd argument about whose turn it is to pay the cleaner.

As comedian Chris Rock said on a recent stand-up tour, "The choice for men over 35 is simple: live on your own- want to kill yourself; get married- want to kill your wife." And, sadly (and not at all funnily), the statistics for single male suicides back him up.

A whole raft of research shows that some of society's longest life expectancies are found among nuns, whilst the shortest are found among single men. Single men die early; they drink more, smoke more and kill themselves more often, whereas single unmarried women live longer than their married sisters. The maths is simple: marriage is bad for women and good for guys.

So what are you gonna do? Not marry simply to save some chick's life? I don't think so. Marry her and save yourself. It's every man for himself, and the selfish man has only one choice: if he wants to die happy and old, marry and marry quick. Staying too long in Guyland is for those with a death wish.

Of course, this doesn't mean the transition from late-30s singleton to smug married is without is 'decompression sickness'- or what one bachelor buddy who got hitched recently calls 'the wedding bends'. You have to learn how to listen not only to a woman's problems, but also loud phone calls to her friends. (She has to learn how to listen to a loud television playing World's Most Amazing Sporting Disasters and Car Crash Nightmares). And you have to learn to compromise- something men living in Guyland never do, because they always wnat to do the same thing (get drunk, get laid, watch World's Most Amazing Sporting Disasters).

But, in return, you'll have your feet rubbed when you're stressed, and you'll have sex on tap. No matter how much they brag, that's something blokes in Guyland will never have.

Memories

2008-11-22T12:21:00.002+11:00

As read on Divine Caroline website:

I’m sitting here today thinking I really need to cry, but the worst is I don’t know why.
If I finally knew the reason, I’d probably just let it pass me by.
When you feel life is passing you by.
Just stop for a moment and ask yourself why.

The past is dead and gone and all the bad memories too.
But the hurt in your heart is still real to you.
Don’t wonder what tomorrow brings, live for today and do the best we can do.
So stop and be thankful for the good things in life, and also the bad times too.

I feel sometimes all the decisions are left up to me.
And I wonder why Lord, when all I have to do is ask and I will set free
I’m feeling alone tonight with all my fears and tears.
Show me Lord what you want of me, for I want to give my share.

Set your tears aside and put them inside a box, and put them there for today.
And bring out the laughter, to wash them tears away.
My heart yearns for a love of long ago.
But we cannot be to be together and that is so.

So smile now, and live just for today.
Don’t worry about tomorrow, it is far away.
Just think for the moment, and God will heal all.
And he will always there when you fall.

Sarfaroshi ki Tamanna- The Desire for Sacrifice

2008-11-08T13:55:00.005+11:00

The Poem (English)

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai
Dekhna hai zor kitna baazu-e-qaatil mein hai

Aye watan, Karta nahin kyun doosra kuch baat-cheet
Dekhta hun main jise who chup teri mehfil mein hai
Aye shaheed-e-mulk-o-millat main tere oopar nisaar
Ab teri himmat ka charcha ghair ki mehfil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Waqt aanay dey bata denge tujhe aye aasman
Hum abhi se kya batayen kya hamare dil mein hai
Khainch kar layee hai sab ko qatl hone ki ummeed
Aashiqon ka aaj jumghat koocha-e-qaatil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hai liye hathiyaar dushman taak mein baitha udhar
Aur hum taiyyaar hain seena liye apna idhar
Khoon se khelenge holi gar vatan muskhil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Haath jin mein ho junoon katt te nahi talvaar se
Sar jo uth jaate hain voh jhukte nahi lalkaar se
Aur bhadkega jo shola-sa humaare dil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hum to ghar se nikle hi the baandhkar sar pe kafan
Jaan hatheli par liye lo barh chale hain ye qadam
Zindagi to apni mehmaan maut ki mehfil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Yuun khadaa maqtal mein qaatil kah rahaa hai baar baar
Kya tamannaa-e-shahaadat bhi kisee ke dil mein hai
Dil mein tuufaanon ki toli aur nason mein inqilaab
Hosh dushman ke udaa denge humein roko na aaj
Duur reh paaye jo humse dam kahaan manzil mein hai

Wo jism bhi kya jism hai jismein na ho khoon-e-junoon
Toofaanon se kya lade jo kashti-e-saahil mein hai

Chup khade hain aaj saare bhai mere khaamosh hain
Na karo to kuchh kaho mazhab mera mushkil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai.
Dekhna hai zor kitna baazuay qaatil mein hai.

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English Translation

The desire for sacrifice is now in our hearts
Let us see what strength there is in the arms of our executioner

Why do you remain silent thus?
Whoever I see, is gathered quiet so...
O martyr of country, of nation, I submit myself to thee
For yet even the enemy speaks of thy courage
The desire for struggle is in our hearts...

When the time comes, we shall show thee, O heaven
For why should we tell thee now, what lurks in our hearts?
We have been dragged to service, by the hope of blood, of vengeance
Yea, by our love for nation divine, we go to the streets of the enemy
The desire for struggle is in our hearts...

Armed does the enemy sit, ready to open fire
Ready too are we, our bosoms thrust out to him
With blood we shall play holi, if our nation need us
The desire for struggle is in our hearts...

No sword can sever hands that have the heat of battle within,
No threat can bow heads that have risen so...
Yea, for in our insides has risen a flame,
and the desire for struggle is in our hearts...

Set we out from our homes, our heads shrouded with cloth,
Taking our lives in our hands, do we march so...
In our assembly of death, life is now but a guest
The desire for struggle is in our hearts...

Stands the enemy in the gallows thus, asking,
Does anyone wish to bear testimony?...
With a host of storms in our heart, and with revolution in our breath,
We shall knock the enemy cold, and no one shall stop us...

What is that body that does not have hot blood in it,
How can a person conquer a Typhoon while sitting in a boat near the shore.

The desire for struggle is in our hearts,
We shall now see what strength there is in the boughs of the enemy.

The Western dating system

2008-09-28T02:35:00.009+10:00

An excerpt from the book 'Marrying Anita', by Anita Jain

For years, I never questioned the Western dating system. The tenets on which it rests seemed perfectly sound: after meeting a man or woman through work or friends, one gets to know him o rher, and if one likes what one sees, one continues to deepen the commitment, which sometimes leads to marriage. What surprises me is how much this system leaves to chance encounter, to a kind of fate or fortune. For a decidedly unmystical society that seems to have the answer for everything else- the best medical care, cutting-edge technology, super highways and space shuttles- it seems odd that people are left to their own resources, casting around for another lonely soul, for what is arguably the most important decision of their lives.

If the institution of marriage is present in every society that we know of, from Lapps in northern Sweden to aborigines, and nearly all cultures promote marriage as the foundation of society, isn't it odd, then, that there is very little provision for how it is supposed to occur in the West? I puzzled over this gap and eventually arrived at a "the emperor has no clothes" conclusion.

It was so obvious no organized system for marriage existed in the West that people simply failed to blame the obvious for why they couldn't find someone to marry. They were told by their therapists and their friends that it was because they were too neurotic, too unhappy, had to work on themselves before they could be happy with someone else, or that they wanted it too badly. People are told to blame themselves, and they do: they try to lose weight, they develop new interests, they get a nose job. We wonder what's wrong with us when really we should wonder whether there isn't a better way of doing things. It is a curious misplacement for a self-congratulatory culture in which people are constantly trying to shift blame away from themselves.

Once I began questioning the efficacy of the Western dating system in resulting in marriage, I started wondering why it is that wanting to be committed to someone else is too often associated with weakness in the West. I noticed that when people were happily self sufficient, they liked to preach how they weren't looking for a serious commitment and didn't have time for one. It was only when they were dissatisfied that they began to think of marriage or commitment as a solution. But how many people are happily self sufficient?

Does marriage have to be a salve to loneliness to have value? Isn't it valuable to begin with? In the West, the modern ideal is to be independent, on one's own, and to be able to make the choice to live with another human being, to welcome someone else as a bonus to one's existence- if and when one is ready.

Couldn't one be a perfectly sound person who leads a far more purposeful life once engaged in a harmonious symbiosis with another human being? I certainly think so. Moreover, why do we have to be 'perfectly sound' before we can meet someone? Why can't we be desperately alone and unhappy and become much more balanced or healthy after getting involved with someone?

We've all seen this happen with friends- "God, Peter seems so much happier now that he's going out with Jessica. He's not drinking as much." Conventional wisdom frequently tells us that we're happier when we give to others and focus less on ourselves, so it seems rather a glaring void that there is no instituionalized system of finding a mate in Western culture these days.

To admit to others that I yearned for a long-term commitment or marriage- which is basically to say that I wanted to be able to think about someone else for a change- sounded regressive as soon as it emerged from my mouth. It was atavistic in nature, a throwback to a time when women couldn't financially support themselves. It was a piece of trecherous anathema in the age of strong, independent working women.

Of course, marriages were more or less arranged in Western cultures according to one's social status and welath until the twentieth century, which ushered in a freewheeling era that allowed people to choose their own mates. However, no system stepped in to replace the practice of arranged marriage once it fell by the wayside, leaving a lof of young men and women lonely and frustrated. In the West, people are so resolutely convinced that they alone are equipped to choose their own mates that they readily give up their right to happiness in favour of self determination.

In India, where marriages are routinely arranged by parents and extended family, marriage is not a choice. It just is. There is simply no concept of living a life alone. It happens here and there, but as a mistake, an unintentional slippage in society. In the West, people do it all the time, even relish it, saying things like, "I would rather live alone that with the wrong person." But spend ten minutes with most of these people and it becomes apparent that they are lonely.

Our Deepest Fear

2008-09-21T22:38:00.001+10:00

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Tales of the City

2008-07-27T12:46:00.009+10:00

Is it harder to sustain a relationship when you're living in a big city? Johanna Hegerty investigates (Sunday Herald Sun, June 8, 2008)

It was a drought-stricken farmer in Harden-Murrumburrah, NSW, who got me thinking. "Wouldn't give it up for the world," he said, gesturing towards his dusty farm. "I get to see the missus all the time, watch the kids grow up. You city folk0 always getting divorced and giving up on each other. Nope, wouldn't give it up for the world."

Back in the big smoke, I looked around at my group of friends. It was a sorry tale: this couple divorced, these two hanging in there but leading such separate lives they barely knew each other. One friend has been ordering coffee from the same barista for six years, yet all his relationships fall apart after two. I wondered: does urban living undermine out chances for successful relationships?

"There's a different emotional groove and a faster pace of life with city living," says Dr Matthew Bambling from the Queensland University of Technology School of Psychology and Counselling. "This forces people to over function and focus on themselves. It encourages us to be more materialistic and to chase success, and this can put some real pressure on our relationships."

When you consider the daily commute, ever-increasing workloads, long days, busy social calendars and the throw-away attitude of consumerism that's prevalent in big cities, it's no wonder our relationships struggle to keep up. "Perhaps we'll continue to see the development of the new relationship model we now have where people give it a go and if it works out, great; if not, they move on to someone new," says Dr Bambling.

For all the advantages of city living, people are expected to be successful and work long hours. We're not rewarded for focussing on each other and on our families, but for chasing success and money. When was the last time you heard someone at work say, "I'm going home early today because I haven't seen my partner for a couple of days"?

Time for Love
All research points to time as one of the key issues in the deterioration of a relationship. If you're not spending enough quality time together you are less likely to have a functioning relationship," says Anne Hollonds from Relationship Australia.

Timetable, deadlines and overtime are all part of a city worker's daily vocabulary and this impacts on the time couple have together. "A busy life can suck the energy out of a relationship," says Dr Bambling. "People simply need time to be able to do the stuff that keeps their relationship alive."

And when time is pressed, its evil cousin, stress, is never far behind. "If people are stressed and busy, they can never enjoy being with another person because they're overwhelmed and just don't have the energy to connect with their partner," says Dr Bambling.

Parallel Lives
Gemma Darlington is more than familiar with the effect of city living on her relationship. Her partner, an analyst, often worked nights while she worked days, and their waking hours were spent discussing bills, chores and social functions. The Sydney PR executive worried that she and her partner had lost that loving feeling- and then she discovered he had a whole other life involving friends she had never met, poker games and an online girlfriend.

While Darlington says it would have been easier to let the relationship go then try to make it work, she felt their situation- working around the clock to pay off a mortgage and get ahead in their careers- was partially to blame, and she and her now husband decided to work to save their relationship.

"The city is so negative," says Darlington. "It eats people up. We had let everything else take over and had lost that emotional connections." Two years later, the couple is living happily in a small coastal town in northern NSW.

"In the city it's much easier to keep secrets," says Dr Bambling. "And while we're entitled to have part of our lives which is ours, we need to be transparent about things that impact on our primary other. If you have a secret online friendship that meets your emotional needs better than your primary relationship, you need to see this as a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble."

Forming Attachments
Just as there are greater choices for work, education, shopping and entertainment in the city, there's also more opportunity to meet people. This, in a way, explains the revolving-door relationship model of city living. "There are many people out there we're compatible with; some of us just happen to have chosen a person to stick with. If it doesn't work out, we're likely to meet someone else with whom we could form a meaningful relationship." says Dr Bambling.

Humans are social beings, and if you are spending more time with a colleague than your partner, it is easy to form an attachment. "Any social relationship, whether it be at work, in a purely innocent way or someone else who takes our interest, begins to take energy out of the primary relationship and, as a result, the primary relationship will suffer," says Dr Bambling. "In addition to this, the pressures of busy life can cause people to feel they are losing touch with each other and they might look forward to seeing their colleagues more than their partner."

And so beings a vicious circle where the more you get out of the second relationship, the less energy you expand on your partner, who then becomes more distant.

Damage Controle
By no means is it impossible to have a successful relationship in the city, but Hollonds says you must first sit down together review your goals for the partnership. Do you want to make a million dollars? If so, you need to talk about it in terns of human cost. "You need to recognise the costs and the risks and agree on them as a couple," she says. "Many people get caught in the trap of thinking, 'In five years once we've achieved X, we'll have time for each other". But when you get to that point five years later, there may be no-one home for you to send time with unless you act now."

The other key to keeping a long- term relationship alive is working on it every day. "Find at least one point in the day to focus on your partner, even if it's just to say something nice or acknowledge them in the busyness of life. Send a text or make a quick phone call to keep the connection during the long intervals of time apart. This can be the glue that keeps people with each other all week," says Dr Bambling.

It's also important to build time into your week to spend quality time together, with no interruptions, be it a regualar dinner date, scheduled night in or Saturday morning walk and breakfast.

Communication is one of the key skills in an ongoing relationship and this becomes more critical in big cities where stress is a daily occurrence. "With so little time for each other, those living in the city may be making the choice not to sweat the conflict stuff because they don't want to ruin the 10 minutes they get each night with their partner," says Dr Bambling. This can create a build-up of resentment or frustration, which can cause the relationship to deteriorate.

Hollonds recommends coaching, even for couples who aren't showing any signs of strain. "The environment we live in today is quite hostile to long-term relationships and coaching is one way to build up the partnership," she says. "We need to have the tools to negotiate quickly and effectively with one another."

Why travellers don't have careers

2008-06-18T20:43:00.009+10:00

June 18- The Age- by Ben Groundwater

Okay, here's the deal: clear out your desk. Now. Grab your coffee mug, the pictures of your family, and any stationery you think you can get away with stealing, and get out of the office.

You're going travelling. A whole year overseas. Wherever you want.

Oh, and when you get back, your job will still be there waiting for you. In fact, you'll have been promoted; maybe even given a little pay rise.

Sounds pretty sweet, huh? And I doubt there are any readers of this blog who wouldn't jump at that, given the opportunity.

Trouble is, that's not the way the world works...

As all of us know, when you choose to travel, you make sacrifices. Sometimes that's time spent with family or friends, sometimes it's leaving partners behind ... but it's usually your career that suffers most.

If you want to go away for any decent amount of time - to really get into that carefee travelling mode - you're going to have to quit your job. (Or, at best, get a year's leave without pay. Even then, you'll find the world has moved on by the time you get home.)

And leaving your career for, say, a year, is certainly going to have some sort of effect. For starters, you'll be 12 months further back in your progression, meaning that that promotion is a year further away; that car you wanted is 12 months further away; that house deposit you've been saving up for is 12 months further away.

That's best-case scenario. There's also every chance someone will have taken over your position and will be doing an annoyingly good job. Or that not having you around will have made everyone at work realise they don't actually need you around anyway.

Or, if you're in an industry like IT, or law, you'll find a lot's changed in the 12 months you've been away, and you'll be playing catch-up, or going back to a lower position than the one you quit to go tootling around the world with your backpack.

So: travel or career? Which one do you sacrifice in order to pursue the other?

I've got a track record of pretty much always choosing travel, going under the assumption that the gaping, year-long holes in my CV will shout, "here's an adventurous go-getter with plenty of life experience", rather than, "this guy's a lazy, employment-commitment-phobe who'll shoot through at the first sign of a Qantas fare sale".

I've been relatively lucky in that it's usually been the former, but I'm sure that's not the same for everyone. After all, potential employers are much more likely to ask, "What was your role in Company X?", than, "What was it like that time you went trekking in the Andes?"

The way I see it, those grappling with the travel/career conundrum have three choices.

The first, and probably easiest, is to take that high-paying job and settle down. Earn the cash, take short, sharp two-week holidays where you can, and spend the rest of your time reading half-rate travel blogs on news websites. You'll still get to see a bit of the world, and you'll progress in your career.

The next option is take a deep breath, book your tickets, and chuck in your job. Accept that you're setting your career back, and go out there, see the big wide world, and have the time of your life. You mightn't end up with quite the career path you thought you'd have, but gee you'll have some great photos.

And the last - and probably best - option is kind of a combination of the two. That is, attempt to pursue your career somewhere else. I think that's what so many Australians are doing in London - it's the kind of place you can garner some experience for your CV, earn good money, and see something of the world at the same time. Not only are you living in a foreign country, you're on the doorstep of about 40 others.

There are plenty of people from all walks of life (accountants, lawyers, IT nerds, construction managers, tradies, teachers, stockbrokers), in all parts of the world (Dubai, Hong Kong, New York, Mumbai, Paris, Rome, Buenos Aires), managing to combine travel and a career.

It's not quite the same experience as having a year of complete freedom, but it sounds like a pretty good compromise.

Check Mates

2008-05-11T19:37:00.006+10:00

It's not just the 'Single White Females' a person should be wary of after browsing the personals- there's a real knack to false advertising... as finds out Will Anderson, Sunday Roast, April 6, 2008.

Being recently desperate and dateless, I've found my eyes lingering over the personal ads and, as far as I can tell, the most common requirement among single women is to find someone with a 'good sense of humour'.

Now, while that might sound good, I'm not sure this is actually true. I mean, if that's what women really wanted, they'd be tearing down their posters of Owen Wilson and drooling over Kevin Bloody Wilson.

And it should also be pointed out that when women say they're looking for someone to make them laugh, it normally doesn't mean they want someone funny-looking.

Another massive cliche of personal ads is, 'I enjoy long walks on the beach', which, if a guy, usually means, 'while I'm taking photos of the topless women on my mobile phone', and, if it's a girl, actually means, 'I enjoy sitting on the couch in my tracksuit pants with a hot water bottle and a block of chocolate, watching Beaches.'

My brief study of the ads has already taught me a few lessons, such as when someone claims, 'I've never done this before,' it normally means, 'I have done this before but I don't want you to think I'm a desperate loser.'

When someone says they 'enjoy the simple things in life', this generally means, 'I'm poor.' Coincidentally, 'I enjoy the simple things in life', was apparently the pick up line George W Bush's wife used to snag him.

And when someone says they're 'petite', it means they're short. When someone says they're 'curvy', well, that means they're fat. And when someone says they 'enjoy working with their hands', it means they didn't get into university. (Although, I have to confess that petite, curvy and enjoys working with their hands sounds a lot more enticing than short, fat and dumb).

If you study the personals closely, you'll also notice a few warning signs. For example, when someone feels the need to point out that they're 'normal', that's code for, "I'm not normal. I have 72 cats and there's a real chance I'll end up making a coat from your skin."

Oh and when someone says they're looking for a 'soulmate', that's code for 'I'm really full-on and, if you dump me, I'll probably stalk you.' Let's be honest here, if you're looking for your soulmate in the personal ads, you're probably aiming a little too hight. Maybe lower your expectations to a mate who enjoys soul music, or who isn't an arse-soul?

'Easy-going' is a little more difficult to work out. Does that mean they won't mind if you leave your coffee cup in the sink and put your feet on the couch? Or does it mean they wear the same underwear seven days in a row?

When people describe themselves as 'adventurous', what exactly does that mean? Does it imply that when they read the Karma Sutra, they stapled to the back a few extra pages of their own notes? Does it mean they're willing to take a risk on the Ethiopian restaurant at the end of the street, of that their idea of a great date is a handful of nuts at the base camp of Mount Everest?

When someone says they're searching for a 'partner in crime' this probably means they want someone to have some fun with. It doesn't mean they'll lend you their stockings for an armed hold-up or help you bury a body.

It's important to note some things probably sound better on paper than what they are in reality. For example, 'I'll try anything once' sounds really exciting- until you realise that Charles Manson was probably a guy who would describe himself as someone who'd 'try anything once'.

And some descriptions are just downright confusing. Such as when someone says they're 'not into playing games', does that mean mind games, or do they have some deep-set aversion to Monopoly?

Finally, it seems smoking is a major turn-off for a lot of people in single ads. Personally, I like to date a smoker, because every conversation sounds like heavy breathing. But the weirdest thing about the non-smoker request is the type of ads it appears in. Someone will request, 'I'm looking for a person who enjoys dressing head-to-toe in a leather priest's outfit while taking my confession and spanking me... No Smokers.'

Yes, because you wouldn't want to attract anyone with anti- social habits!

The Secret of open Marriages

2008-04-22T14:40:00.006+10:00

As read in The Times of India- 21 Apr 2008, Radhika Das

Rekha (name changed to protect identity) is a pretty, outgoing, 30-year-old who works as a copywriter. She is married to 32-year-old Jai (name changed to protect identity), an investment banker, who is rather shy and an introvert. The couple, married for five years, though not regular party-goers, enjoy the occasional night out with close friends or a dinner with a movie thrown in. The five years of their married existence had seen its share of ups and downs - from cosy weekends to occasional fights, door-slamming, tantrums and all.

Things were more or less beginning to settle down in a pattern familiar to most married couples and there was even talk of planning for a family. Till one fine day when Rekha was jolted out of her routine existence by Jai, who confessed to being physically attracted to a colleague. What was even more surprising was the fact that Rekha herself seemed not totally averse to the idea of infusing some adventure into their humdrum lives. Of course, as long as this urge to stray did not become a habit, she could live with it. In fact, she was looking forward to having a little 'fun’ of her own.

"We spent hours discussing what each of us wanted from this and set some boundaries that were not to be crossed. And at any point, if either of us had a problem, we would pull back. We didn’t want to do anything that would hurt the other," says Rekha.

Rekha and Jai are amongst the new breed of young couples who are consensually seeking gratification outside marriage without rocking their own boat. Using the term 'open marriage’ these couples are seeking to spice up their relationships by experimenting with other partners. Call it shocking or call it an indication of changing societal codes the question is: is an open marriage really what some define it to be - one in which both partners are free to participate sexually with partners outside marriage?

Tracing the origins of the term, researchers believed that it was first used in the West in the 60s to give societal sanction to individuals to choose their own life partner. But the meaning of the term changed radically in 1972, when Nena and George O'Neill used the term in their bestselling book Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples. The O'Neill’s perceived open marriage as one that is liberating and not suffocating where each partner gives the other space to grow as an individual first. While the O’Neill’s have discussed the possibility of developing 'intimate’ friendships outside marriage, popular culture began using the phrase as a synonym for sexual infidelity, much to the dismay of the authors.

In India too, the idea of open marriage has been adapted differently by experts. According to psychologist, Dr. Rachna Kothari, "Open marriage is an alliance where husband and wife are open to relationships outside marriage. It may specifically refer to both the partners, not having any reservations about indulging in sexual relationships outside their marriage."

Dr. Vibhuti Patel, a reader in the University of Mumbai, and member secretary, Women Development Cell, feels otherwise, "Open marriage is one where spouses share a democratic and transparent relationship without any 'personal secrets’. Here, the couples are candid and share each others problems, predicaments, confusions and doubts without fear of emotional blackmail or retaliation."

Agrees Arvinder J. Singh, a practicing therapist who deals with emotional and psychological problems, "Open marriage is where there is entry and exit whenever and wherever; without any conditions imposed upon each other. Marriage has some written and some unwritten codes and to me, open marriage means unwritten codes, that is, no commitments and no expectations."

Indeed, the system of marriage and divorce with its written codes evolved more recently. In fact, according to Dr. Patel, the system of divorce is only 5000 years old! According to Dr. Prakash Kothari, chief of sexual medicine at KEM Hospital and GS Medical College, Mumbai, "There was no marriage system in our country earlier. Anybody could go and sleep with anybody if they desired to."

According to Dr. Patel, "In traditional societies, adultery was and is the norm and not an exception. Look at the Garhwali tribe in the Himalayas, the Garo and Khasi tribes in the north east and the Mewati tribe in Rajasthan."

Truly, if we look closely at traditional societies you’d find that the concept of 'open marriages’ was and is prevalent in its own way. Marriages were and are more democratic and liberating without its modern-day garb of hypocrisy. If anything, the written codes brought with them oppressive traditions which led to jealousy, betrayal, and deceit. These are traditions that couples have been increasingly battling with - earlier in silence and today more vocally. "Open marriages are based on assertion of identities, dignity, self-esteem and self respect of both partners. In 'closed marriages’ there is more emotional, psychological, sexual, physical and economic violence as well as cheating, fraud and back-stabbing," asserts Dr. Patel.

In essence, people who are looking at open marriages or relationships are in fact those who are stepping out of the closet, and rewriting the codes. According to Dr. Devika Chawla, Professor of Communication Studies, Ohio University, US, who has researched on women's experiences in Hindu arranged marriages," open marriages can be an expression of uninhibited sexuality and sexual freedom."

Sexual freedom or not, increasing couples are seeking gratification outside of their marriages or relationships in an attempt to have a healthier conjugal and holistic life and shed the garb of hypocrisy. Of course, sexual fidelity will always remain a challenge, but what will ultimately triumph are the strength, honesty, and trust that an 'open marriage' is based on.

oh my god, my friends are responsible (Issue 21, Frankie magazine)

2008-01-28T20:40:00.000+11:00

Recently I've started to notice that friends I've known since forever are turning into active and responsible members of society. Adults, if you will.

I once had to teach my friend Christian how to cook, and how to clean the toilet properly. He is now a doctor, and is allowed to deliver babies. Ditto my mate Alina, whose jeans I once rinsed of sick after she vommited on herself in front of a boy she had a massive crush on. My bestie Leah and I once survived two weeks eating nothing but profiteroles. (Not as glamorous as it seems- she worked at The Cheescake Ship and we'd spent all our Austudy allowance on booze). She is now in charge of redesigning a major section of metropolitan freeway. If Christian or Aline or Leah screw up at work, people die. You can't get much more responsible than that. Still, I just can't really envision them as proper 'grown ups'. At one time or another I have performed drunken public interpretive dances with all of them, for chrissake. Often to Kate Bush. Or Regurgitator. This is not, as far as I know, something real adult professionals do.

Except here's the thing. When I was younger, I had this idea that the grown-ups I encountered- teachers, dentists, lollipop ladies- uniformly had their shit together. They were faultless, all-knowing and, to my knowledge, never chucked sickies or (not naming names) ducked out of consulting rooms to Google their patient's symptoms.

Now, all my friends are smart people: they're good at what they do. But they haven't all suddenly been handed a golden ticket marked 'responsible adult' and that's that. They teach in high schools and repair planes and fight in the army and raise children, but they don't always know exactly what they're doing. Sometimes they're winging it, and sometimes they're shitting themselves about all the responsibility they've been given. Sometimes it still feels weird not to be able to turn around to someone older and more experienced and go, "there you are. You deal with it."

So here's what I have learned. My youthful vision of an all-knowing stable and sanitary adult world where everyone knew how to balance their cheque books was, and is, a sham. Reporters for major news organisations like to drink too much red wine and giggle while playing air guitar at four in the morning. People with law degrees get excited by strawberry-flavoured beer. Government officials have tattoos of Space Invaders on their arms.

We all still occassionally let our washing pile up to the point of dangerous underwear shortage, or throw tantrums when the boys we like don't call us. We eat cereal for dinner, go to bed with our make-up on and spend whole Saturdays in our pyjamas. Responsibility isn't one size fits-all, and I'm starting to find that vaguely comforting. Grown-ups are people too.

Depression and Loneliness- an excerpt from 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert

2008-01-02T19:00:00.000+11:00

Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. I am walking through the Villa Borghese one evening after a happy day spent in school, and the sun is setting gold over St Peter's Basilica. I am feeling contented in this romantic scene, even if I am all by myself, while everyone else in the park is either fondling a lover of playing with a laughing child. But I stop to lean against a balustrade and watch the sunsent, and I get to thinking a little too much, and then my thinking turns to brooding, and that's when they catch up with me.

They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. Though I admit that I am surprised to meet them in this elegant Italian garden at dusk. This is no place they belong.

I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says, "What- you're not happy to see us?"
"Go away," I tell him.
Loneliness, the more sensitve cop, says "I'm sorry ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."
"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.

Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed things up with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, ecaxtly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy lika college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up on my old age, if I keep living this way.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to.

"It's not fair for you come come here," I tell Depression. "I paid you off already. I served my time back in New York."
But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favourite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulss the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.

She was a Phantom of Delight- by William Wordsworth (1770–1850)

2007-12-30T01:44:00.000+11:00

SHE was a phantom of delight

When first she gleam’d upon my sight;

A lovely apparition, sent

To be a moment’s ornament;

Her eyes as stars of twilight fair;

Like Twilight’s, too, her dusky hair;

But all things else about her drawn

From May-time and the cheerful dawn;

A dancing shape, an image gay,

To haunt, to startle, and waylay.

I saw her upon nearer view,

A spirit, yet a woman too!

Her household motions light and free,

And steps of virgin-liberty;

A countenance in which did meet

Sweet records, promises as sweet;

A creature not too bright or good

For human nature’s daily food,

For transient sorrows, simple wiles,

Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles.

And now I see with eye serene

The very pulse of the machine;

A being breathing thoughtful breath,

A traveller between life and death:

The reason firm, the temperate will,

Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill;

A perfect woman, nobly plann’d

To warn, to comfort, and command;

And yet a Spirit still, and bright

With something of angelic light.

Friendship

2007-12-30T00:31:00.000+11:00

Do you remember how friendship worked when you were at school: tentatively deciding who to sit next to, because the choice you made would decide which social group you belonged to; picking teams during games lessons- or standing there hoping desperately that your friend who was picking teams didn't leave you until last marking you out as a social pariah; having rows that ended with "we're not friends anymore"; and much hair-flicking and storming off to hang out with another group of friends who you instructed "don't talk to her"? Think things have moved on since then? Thing again.

Ok, it's unlikely that you will sulk for a week because your best friend borrowed your favourite Barbie pen and chewed the end (probably). But replace the Barbie pen with your new designer shoes, and the chewing with the scuffing and you'll see how little things have changed since you were a kid.

Most people have had to juggle a party guest list because one friend inadvertently ended up dating another one's ex-boyfriend and you know they'll come to blows if they're in the same space; have been double- booked on Saturday night and had to choose which friend to see; or have spent a day shopping with a friend, only to realise that, actually, said person is seriously dull when you have to spend five hours with them.

Many friendships have faltered in the face of a holiday together, or worse, flat sharing. And while you may not actively tell your friends 'don't talk to her', if another friend gets on your wrong side, let's face it, if some girl's just stolen your bloke leaving you broken-hearted and sobbing, there's an unwritten 'girly code' that says only a rubbish pal of yours would continue to chat with her.

Over a lifetime, the average person makes 396 friends (check your facebook folks!), but of those they only stay in touch with 33, that's one in 12- a situation that over two-thirds (68 percent) call one of their 'biggest regrets in life'. Someone you feel incredibly close to at one stage in your life could be little more than an acuaintance- or even a stranger- few years later. Conversely, friendships that start off as casual, with the occasional beer here and party invitation there, can get closer over time.

According to survey by MSN Messenger, most people have 33 friends at any one time, but the majority of these are are seen as 'social friends'. Somewhat scarily, of all the hundreds of pals you make over the years, most of us only have six people that we'd consider true friends at any one time. Obviously, surveys are based on averages, so don't panic if you've got less pals than that (or feel smug if you've got more). After all, do you really want to be average? Added to which, friendships vary over the course of your life, so even if you've only got one close pal at the moment, it doesn't mean that will always be the case.

Friends are often the most important people in our lives. At any one point, about half of the UK population and around a third of the US population are single, meaning that we rely on friends for emotional and practical support. Sure, some people have a close family they can rely on in emergencies, but most of us tend to turn to our pals in times of crisis; think of all those wine-soaked "why hasn't he called" phone-calls, the hours of bitching about the boss who's just made you redundant from the job of your dreams, and staying on a friend's floor when you can't afford to pay the rent because you've just lost said job.

Negotiating your way through friendships can be tricky. With sexual relationships, there's natural expectation that you'll both have to compromise. With friendships, it's much easier to end up in negative patterns without realisng it; one of you always picks the restaurants you go to, or is the person who calls to arrange meeting up. We put up with behaviour from friends that we'd find utterly unacceptable in a relationship, giving them the benefit of the doubt, or sitting on problems hoping they'll blow over. We suffer friendships that are long past their sell-by date, because, well, it's only friendship, and saying, "I don't want to be friends with you anymore," seems melodramatic, or at the very least, a bit 'eight-year-old'. We even put up with friends who are seriously toxic, for fear of being perceived as oversensitve if we pull them up on their behaviour.

Conversely, we have higher expectations of friendship than of relationships; after all, there are endless articles about the myriad reasons that a partner might let you down (most of which get oversimplified to 'because men are crap'- which may be unfair, but, hell, that's the world we're living in). Friendship on the other hand is expected to be flawless: if you believe the media, a friend is someone who should make you laugh, ensure you get home safely when you've had one too many cocktails, defend you in an argument, go shopping with you, listen to your worries, and be responsible for your social life. That's quite a demand to put on anyone.

It's a wonder anyone has any friends at all....

Conquering Life: An essay on Karma

2007-09-23T22:30:00.000+10:00

It is often difficult for us to feel in control of our lives. Unable to change the past, or control the events around us, it is easy to feel like a paper sailboat being tossed about on a stormy sea. The Dharma, however, offers us a different view. Within the Dharma we discover that we can control the nature of our lives, and that we can find an island of peace amidst this ocean of chaos we call life. Through understanding, we are able to conquer our lives.

The five things that are welcome in this world, but are difficult to attain, are long life, beauty, happiness, honor and heaven. These five auspicious and often sought after pleasures are not found easily. They do not come to us without effort. They do not come to us by way of day dreams or wishful thinking. If we wish to attain these, we must strive for them of our own merit. What is given to us can be easily taken away. Therefore, it is up to us to follow a path that leads us to the pleasures we seek. Those who prudently follow a wise path that leads to the attainment of these five pleasures, is said to attain these things - in both their human and divine existence.

The five things that we can not escape from in this world are age, sickness, change, death and karma. These five things are the nature of Samsara (the cycle of suffering, birth and death). Realizing this, can help improve the nature of our lives. Without clinging to our youth we allow ourselves to grow and mature. Realizing how fragile the nature of our existence is, we nurture ourselves and others. Realizing the impermanence of our lives, we find an appreciation of what is before us in the moment. Realizing death, life has value to us. Realizing we can not escape our karma, we begin to develop and cultivate a path that releases us from our self afflictions.

The life we live, is the result of how we have lived. A life lived with pain and anguish (in dark karma) is a result of having lived controlled by our desire nature. A life lived with merit (in light karma) is a result of having lived in control of our desire nature. A life lived with both pain and joy (in dark and light karma) is a result of having lived both controlled by and in control of our desire nature. A life lived with equanimity and peacefulness (in neither light nor dark karma) is the result of having lived free from our desire nature, and without taking delight in the benefit of our merits.

Karma is the chain that binds us to Samsara. The debts of our dark karma bind us to the wheel of Samsara. Even living in light karma binds us to Samsara, for we are drawn to the delight of our merits. The merits of heaven shall also be spent and bring us rebirth in the lower worlds. Only when we live for the benefit of all living beings, without any intentions of self, can we break the chain of karma and find liberation.

We are the owners of our karma. Karma, the fruit of our intentions, shape our lives. The intentions that create our karma are born of our own desire nature. Our karma manifests in the present, in the future, and even follows us in our future existences. What we run from, we shall run into. All that we reap, we must sow. Even if we allow others to carry our burden, they can not purify our karma for us, and we shall not share in the merit of their virtues.

We can control the nature of our lives. Within this moment, the only moment that exists, the past, present and future are contained. We may not be able to change our past actions or the actions of others, or prevent its results, but we are in control of how we re-act upon them. The Buddha tells us that studying the nature of our actions (before, during and after we act) can help us discern what is helpful and what is a hindrance upon our path. He has given us the Noble Eightfold Path, and adapting this path to our way of life can help us overcome our desire nature, change the light of our karma, and conquer our lives.

May your karma be full of Dharma.

References: The Upajjhatthana, Nibbedhika and the Ittha Suttas of the Anguttara Nikaya (the Further Factored Discourses of the Buddha); The Saleyyaka, Kukkaravatika and Ambalatthikarahulovada Suttas of the Majjhima Nika (the Middle Length Discourses of the Buddha)

The appeal of earthy women

2007-09-23T21:56:00.000+10:00

by Brad Viking

They’ve been in some campaigns. Taken a few rounds. They are the battle-tested, highly-sexed, salt-of-the-earth women that bring you back to your senses when you’ve been living at the edge too long. Once you’ve been in the sack with them you know you’ve been well-fucked. These are high mileage women. A little scuffed up by life. But they are the kind of women willing to travel up-river… into the densest reaches of the jungle to deliver that kind of contraband… that sexual nitro-glycerin that feeds the insurrection in your soul. And you never want to go back to civilization again. They’ve got their own spark of divine fire. The pure heat of animal passion. They feel the beauty of being alive. And they make you feel it as you lie beside their glistening bodies… feel yourself consumed by their voluptuous appetite. And drenched in their sweat and gratitude… shedding all the desperate baggage of your past… satiated at long last… the majesty of some emotional truth shines in her eyes… the gratitude she expresses in her soft kisses… the absence of all reason as the echoes of her moans subside… You have made her happy. And she will do the same for you. What greater rush can there be in life? She’s a woman who has come to terms with reality. No more delusions. Life is here and now. Seize what few pleasures there are because it’ll soon be over and we’ll all be gone and there is no more. She carries herself a certain way. An absence of sexual fear that burdens so many women. She knows her body. Knows it’s hers and no one else’s. And she’ll pleasure herself as she damn well pleases. She knows hunger. She knows appetite. And she knows how to satiate it. If there’s a driving force behind her hunger then it’s that look at the back of her eyes… some feeling of loss from way back when… as if there were no remembered embrace in her infancy. And now she longs to recapture that. She has become a hot bundle of infantile passions. Of hungry kisses. And eager touch. And the joy of explosive orgasms. And sucking… the original source of nurturing. She senses all those years of erotic hunger she needs to make up for. Desperately. Passionately. With not a moment to waste. That’s the kind of woman I’m talking about… the kind of woman a man responds to… the kind of woman that keeps the world sane. If she has a motto, it’s the credo of the Rock ‘n’ Roll legacy: Too much is never enough. She senses the arithmetic of life. The closing window of time we have to make love. She is driven by this lust to feel sensation… the feeling of being alive. There is no greater excitement. She doesn’t live by hope or fear. She knows we arose from the swamp and we live a perilous existence and life is basically a long lonely train ride to nowhere. And she’s going to fill those moments with sensation. When you’re in her bed she will whisper that the goal of all life and all lovers is to be set free. Liberation through the joy of sexual release. What higher aspiration could there be? And you’re inclined to agree with her because she has just made you feel incredibly liberated and incredibly free. And when she suddenly goes to flame… another burst… and another… every joy she’s ever felt… every sadness she’s ever endured… is released upon the sky. And in each burst of perfection that explodes inside her you can see it all right there in her eyes… the brilliant collision of ecstasy and pain and cries and feeling and perfection and longing and color and light… released upon the night as pure, incandescent energy… You watch with wonder as she lies there in a mist of sweat and gratitude. Shafts of light stream into the room… caress the voluptuous curve of her breast… the glistening beads of sweat on her body. There is one last quiver of ecstasy on her lips and you cannot help but adore her… to feel a tenderness for this wonderful creature as she floats blissfully to the sky above… up there… up where the sun is rich and warm and forever…

Beauty That is Never Old

2007-07-12T21:43:00.001+10:00

Another fantastic poem that needs to be shared, by James Weldon Johnson:

When buffeted and beaten by life’s storms,
When by the bitter cares of life oppressed,
I want no surer haven than your arms,
I want no sweeter heaven than your breast.

When over my life’s way there falls the blight
Of sunless days, and nights of starless skies;
Enough for me, the calm and steadfast light
That softly shines within your loving eyes.

The world, for me, and all the world can hold
Is circled by your arms; for me there lies,
Within the lights and shadows of your eyes,
The only beauty that is never old.

Are We Addicted to Love?

2007-07-12T21:18:00.000+10:00

How do I love thee? Let a poet count the ways. I love you to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, to the level of everyday's most quiet need; freely, purely, with the passion of old grief and childhood's faith, with a love lost with lost saints, with the breadth, smiles, tears, of all my life.

Why do I love thee? Let anthropologist Helen Fisher count the ways. I love you because of a complex chemistry of dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, testosterone and norepinephrine; because I have a large caudate nucleus, amygdala, and hippocampus; because I walk upright and have helpless babies and I need you to protect me from predators. I love you because your testosterone has made you taller and stronger than me and given your jaw a handsome square cut.

Not very romantic, but what do you expect from a physiologic, evolutionary, and anthropological assessment of love? For Fisher is a love researcher. That's right. Love researcher. And she has collected the results of this research in her new book Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.
And it's quite a collection. For example, did you know that there is a natural anti-depressant in seminal fluid? That there is a National Broken Hearts Day? That love's passions are the same across such disparate cultures as the United States and Japan? OK, maybe you knew that, since poetry across all cultures has so much to say on the topic. Did you know that love is an addiction? Of course you did.

But, did you know that the biochemistry of love is the same as the biochemistry of addiction? That's what Fisher's research shows. She has scanned the brains of people who are newly, deeply, and passionately in love and found that they have increased activity in areas that (surprise) are associated with arousal and concentration, such as the caudate nucleus and the ventral segmental area, the bottom portion of the brain that is high in dopamine producing cells. It is dopamine that's responsible for the cocaine addict's high, the chocolate lover's satisfaction, the cigarette smoker's contentment, and, evidently, the lover's passionate obsession. Fisher has also scanned the brains of dejected and rejected lovers, and although she doesn't share those results in the book, her thesis is that the dejected suffer from a depletion of dopamine, leading to feelings very similar to withdrawal.

Since she's an evolutionary anthropologist, not a poet or a psychologist, Fisher's take on this is that our loving ways have evolved to give us an evolutionary edge. Our dopamine level surges when we meet people who are most likely to make the best mates for us. From her studies, that would suggest that love's catalyst for men is beautiful, come-hither women. For women, it's square-jawed, successful men. But, if that's true, how do you explain that someone like Harvey Pekar has been married three times (twice before he became comic book famous)? Or how do you explain the miserable failures that are the marriages of so many Hollywood beautiful people?

Clearly, there's more to this love thing than hardwiring and neurotransmitters and evolutionary gain. And, too her credit, Fisher recognizes this. Maybe it was the exposure to all the poetry about love she peppers throughout her book. Or maybe it was her exposure to her research subjects in the agonizing throws of lost love. But, for whatever reason, she admits that there's something more at work in human love than a finely tuned, highly evolved animal magnetism. Even in our worst moments we are capable of controlling our basest passions. We are not slaves to our neurons. And at our best moments, we are capable of a higher, selfless love that can't be explained by evolutionary theory and that isn't found anywhere else in the animal kingdom.

Maybe understanding this thing we call love is best left to the poets.

Being Human

2007-07-07T23:08:00.000+10:00

Nature is one of the most complicated terms in English or any language. It carries the weight of projected human fears and hopes, the marks of history and political conflict, the grounds for moral legitimation or condemnation. Running throughout these discussions, tying many of them together, is an ongoing debate about what it means to be human. As Raymond William writes, "What is often being argued... in the idea of nature is the idea of man." The reverse is also true: what is often being argued in the idea of 'man' is the idea of nature. Just as we cannot speak easily of nature without referring , implicitly or explicitly, to some idea of the human, so we rearely speak of humanness without an underlying conception of nature, either as that which encompasses or excludes humans or, perhaps more often, as that which humans exclude.

Not only are ideas of humanness and of nature wrapped up with each other, but they also shape ethical systems and practices. Questions such as what counts as human, what does not, and what is natural or unnatural do not simply feed philosophical debates but help determine moral and political priorities, patterns of behaviour, and institutional structures. So what is the connection among ideas about nature, ideas about humanness and environmental ethics? These relations are culturally and historically variable, theoretically complicated, and potentially vital. In exploring them, we face central issues regarding the shape of our communities, the destruction of our natural environment, and the character of moral discourse. Rethinking our different natures can illuminate both the need for and the possibilities of transformation.

To say ethics are intimately connected to ideas about what it means to be human suggests that understandings of humans ought to be or do rest, almost always, on ideas about what human beings are: individualistic or social, rational or emotional, violent or peaceful, biologically or socially constructed, among countless other possibilities. It is worth noting that many of these ideas about human nature are really about the particular kinds of humans who count, usually the same ones who have made the definitions.

To be continued.....

Flirting

2007-06-24T21:47:00.000+10:00

Flirting is fun but it's risky. Many people enjoy flirting simply because it's so risky. Flirting involves putting your whole outward appearance and inner personality on the line. You're basically asking a stranger if they fancy you, and if they don't, it's going to hurt! If they do fancy you and your other half later finds out, it's going to hurt even more.

That's why the phrase 'flirting with danger' is apt. Flirting is one of the most dangerous aspects of modern society. It's similar to skiing, only more people have their legs broken at cocktail parties than on mountainsides.*

Anyone can learn to flirt. It's about taking control of an interaction with someone and steering it in a romantic direction. Some people have sufficient natural charisma to cause a spark in others when communicating. For others there are many easy ways to ignite a flame: a few simple tips and a little self-control will transform anyone's flirting technique. Failing that, try a box of matches.

If you want to flirt without the risk of getting hurt, make sure you have the correct safety gear: a good understanding of body language, a reasonable-sounding excuse for when you get caught out, and a secure helmet.

Men and women throughout history have developed their own ways of flirting. Viking men a thousand years ago flirted with women by killing their husbands, burning their houses and inserting their penises without permission. Later, a misguided King Henry VIII flirted with girls by cutting their heads off. Jane Austen flirted with men by talking to them in convoluted, turgid Georgian prose that sent them into a deep coma, thus enabling her to do whatever she wanted with them.

Victorian times saw the arrival of flirting techniques that almost brought humanity to a sudden halt. Body language was made impossible because everyone was so covered up with layers of unnecessary clothing that no one knew if they had any bodies. Any male/female contact was only possilbe in the presence of a vicar or a doctor.

The most popular chat up line of the time was:

"if i verbally articulated the splendour and unblemished beauty of your physicality, would it in any way prejudice your sentiments with regard to the individual who habitually refers to himself by the perpendicular pronoun?" #

With these restrictions, the growth in population slowed considerably.

The most important part of talking flirtatiously is to show interest in the other person. We all love to talk about ourselves and we instinctively like people who encourage us to do so. If you give someone plenty of opportunities to blow their own trumpet, you're more likely to get to the point where they're blowing your trumpet. And if brass instrument euphemisms aren't your thing, just ask for a blow job.

Stay tuned for more blogs including 'Sexual Etiquette- Searching for Mr or Ms Compatible without making a complete fool of yourself' and 'Orgasm- the 30 (if you're lucky) seconds we go to so-o-o-o-o much effort for."

*This is a lie.

# If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

E.E Cummings- I carry your heart with me

2007-06-20T00:02:00.001+10:00

I quite enjoy reading this poem. I hope you do too:

I carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

How did I get here?

2007-06-19T23:07:00.000+10:00

How did I start blogging (blŏg n. A weblog. intr.v. blogged, blog·ging, blogs: To write entries in, add material to, or maintain a weblog) so randomly?

No one I know at my age is surely keeping blogs- or am I just not looking? Aren't blogs meant to be for one (or more) of the following:

Geeks
Freaks
Creeps
Sheep (noun: a docile and vulnerable person who would rather follow than make an independent decision; "he creted a blog to ensure he wasn't left behind the times")
Gen X or Y (there's only so much I can rhyme!)

But here I am, only fitting into one of the above categories (believe it or not I do make it quite comfortably into the Gen Y category) and starting a blog. My first thought is- who will even read these random thoughts of mine?

So if you're reading this- pop me a comment so I know I'm not alone. I leave you with this- can you guess where it's from?

“"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”